i'm alive.

ceasefire does not happen overnight.

it's not like you wake up one morning and the birds are singing and the sun is shining and you go to work like nothing ever happened.


week of hell.
this past week has been slow and tough. it is almost as if last month was all played in fast forward and then since the ceasefire, we are moving in ultra slow motion. for the last month, i just wanted everything to end... now, i don't know where to begin. for the last month, i would purposefully try and numb myself because i was too afraid to feel everything... today i am begging for my feelings to return because without them, i can not live.

after a month of stress and living in fear, everything has caught up with me...my throat hurts a lot and my stomach is in a perpetual mess. the knots have not gone yet and its beginning to cause physical damage. i am down, down, down. i couldn't lift a finger to type. i couldn't answer my phone calls. it was so difficult to wake up in the morning... (and i'm usually mrs. super positive!)

i guess it has all hit us one way or another- things are never going to be the same again. we can not live the lives we had a few months ago.

we have to live better. somehow... if that makes any sense.

i have been having the worst of nightmares... i don't know why i'm getting them now. before, i would give anything for a good nights rest. for a quiet night... now that i am sleeping, finally, i have allowed myself to return to the dreamworld... but, it's not a very nice place at the moment. it is full of fears and worries... and so many dead people.

i don't know if i could handle war again. i don't know how it is that i am still alive... i don't know if i could do it all over again. please, i don't want to.


the aftermath.
there were mass burials held this past week. so many bodies had been left to rot because no one could access them before. now they are being buried.

families are wondering why...? why....?

many people are getting sick. there is a new virus going around. i heard it has something to do with the toxins coming out of the damaged buildings plus the dead bodies... it could be from the oil spill.. from the tanks that burned for three weeks covering Beirut in a black smog... the virus lasts for a few days... its effects are vomiting, diarrhea and very high temperature.

on the day of the ceasefire, many people began the return to their homes. they crossed the rivers by foot when needed....they were so determined to get home.. to see if they still had a home. Nasrallah announced that he was going to fix all the houses for free... and that he would provide money to pay for accommodations for people who had lost their homes, while he fixed their old homes.

there are cluster bombs everywhere. they dropped cluster bombs on us... there are so many that didn't explode... they are so so dangerous.

in dahiye the other day, people put up banners on top of the rubble of the buildings. the banner read: made in USA.


the oil spill.
we have spent this last week trying to clean up our beaches. we were shovelling poluted sand and setting up absorbant "boomers" to capture the oil that is still spilling in from the water onto the beach. it has been physically demanding work. we went down wearing masks, gloves and protective clothing under the summer heat... shoveling sand off the beach and putting it into a big pile that would be later moved/contained. the ministry of environment has been slow to act. so, we, the civilians, as always, are taking care of our beautiful country.

the oil has been in our waters and on our beach for 5 weeks now. it is the worst environmental disaster Lebanon has ever seen. in most oil spills, the spill is cleaned up within 72 hours. it has been 5 weeks in Lebanon and we have yet to see a proper clean up process. a lot of the oil is now so deep into the sand and rocks, it will take years and years to clean up. a lot of the oil sunk and has now settled on the sea bed.. this is almost impossible to clean. a lot of the oil in the water has now broken into small globs... like a mirror that has been smashed into shards... making it also almost impossible to clean.

i wonder... why. why did the Israelies target a power plant? there were no Hizuballah fighters hiding there. it was no where near Hizuballah territory. this power plant is located only 30km south of Beirut in an area called Jiye. Jiye is where all our great beach spots are. Jiye is a touristic spot. Jiye is where all the girls flaunt their new g string bikinis and all the boys flex their hard earned muscles. Jiye is where we take Tapi to on Sundays to play with her ball on the beach. Jiye is where we somehow run into the same people we were hanging out with the night before. Jiye is where we somehow continue the conversations from the night before over an ice cold beer. Jiye today, however, is black, dark and toxic.

did they do this on purpose? part of the plan to wreck economical damage on the country? ruin our tourist season... knowing that at this time of the year, the current moves North...away from Israel.

please, this is just too much. today, as i was on the beach, redistributing the boomers that are soaked in this heavy fuel oil... dragging them across the beach... i caught myself wondering how on Earth i was ever going to get pregnant now.


friends.
maya had her chemotherapy session and she did really well with it. she has been very positive and is determined to stay in Lebanon now more than ever.


not friends.
there has already been a breach of the ceasefire from the Israeli side... i wonder if it was reported, out there in the West? there was an air raid on Baalbeck a few days ago... this UN resolution is really fragile.

imagine it was the other way around... imagine the Lebanese army was occupying Israel, blowing up the country... conducting air raids as it sees fit, even after a ceasefire has been called.... imagine it was that way around... imagine what the world would be saying and doing.

why is it that Israel has a green light for everything?

why is it that Israel identifies itself through violence and terror?


after thought:
our generation is a beautiful one. we are all connected. somehow. online, at least. we have tools our father and mothers did not have. these tools should help us to understand each other better. i really believe that we have the power to change things. we are living in a beautiful era of telecommunications and global understanding.

a cold war can not exist anymore.


to all who have been posting comments.
i am sorry i have not been able to respond to you all ... i guess i'm not much of a "blogger", but rather see this as a sort of online diary. it is difficult for me to respond to most of your questions. i am not a politician. i don't understand how their minds work.

for those leaving beautiful messages, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. you have become part of my everyday being. i have come to recognize so many of you now... and often look forward to your comments. they give me strength. thank you.

i may not be posting as often as i was before because really, there is so much work to be done now. being online these days is a sort of luxury. i am sorry if any of you were worried by my absence. thank you so much for thinking of me.

with love, always,
.z

on the eve of ceasefire

this morning, i woke up with a smile on my face. my husband had jumped on top of me, kissing me all over my face, saying that the war was going to end.. that the UN voted... that things were going to get better now. i had only fallen asleep two hours earlier, but jumped out of bed with a kind of energy i hadn't had in over a month. it was a good morning.

everything changes this weekend.

things are supposed to come to some kind of end. one way or another.

on the eve of ceasefire, i have mixed emotions.

i am grateful that things are coming to and end.

however, the real work now lies ahead of us. its not just about rebuilding.. lives, country and moral. but, it's also about moving forward positively on all sides.

war instils hatred in people. we as human beings have to make sure that we don't fall into the vicious cycle of hate.

we have to rise above the politics and speak as citizens of beautiful Mother Earth.

i don't believe that we are born to hate. i believe that it is conditioned through things like fear, violence, oppression and misunderstanding.

one should not have to live in fear. one should not have to be subjected to violence.

it seems these days that violence and fear govern our lives. it is all over the tv and in the news... but we should not let it. it is a disguise people use for their own selfish gains. the reality of life is love not fear. we have to remember that.

life is beautiful... it is like the never ending possibilities of youth... it is like the first kiss...

remember that scene in The Matrix (the 3rd one), right at the end, when Neo and Trinity enter the Machine World... they are flying their plane, holding hands... love is guiding them through the war zone. then they shoot up into the sky, cutting away from the darkness, into the electric clouds... fighting for their life... then suddenly they get through it and they see Earth for what it really is: beautiful clear skies... and then Trinity says "beautiful."

i wonder if we can do that too.

if there is one thing i have learned this past month, it is that life is so precious. in one second, your whole life could change. one day i was taking artwork down from a gallery about to send the paintings to their new respective owners... the next morning, our airport was bombed and we were at war. just like that.

my life had been so hectic at the start of the year... i was busy preparing for my first solo exhibit in Lebanon to take place in May. i was working hard in my studio every day. simultaneously, i was organizing an exhibit to take place in June. it was a big one. 21 artists and a whole month of events to go with it. i put so many things in my life on hold. i kept saying to myself and everyone else around me (including my husband) " in July, i will take a vacation. in July i will have my old life back. we will hang out in July. we will go to the beach in July. yeah, maybe i might even finally decide to get pregnant! i just can't do anything until July..."

and look what happened in July.... and i certainly don't think i will get to go to the beach again for a long long time. several years, at least.

life is so so precious.

thank you, patti

thank you for your music. thank you for your song about Qana. you can listen to it here.

http://www.pattismith.net/news.html

its raining bombs...

last night, i counted at least 12 explosions. it was a difficult night. they just wouldn't stop. i only heard 12, others say there were at least 18... they just kept going. the Israeli army announced yesterday that they were expanding their attacks into Beirut... and indeed they did, hitting areas in central Beirut!

today has been difficult getting online. electricity is less and less. we are down to about 2 hours a day. because there is a fuel and diesel shortage, it has become difficult to keep the generators going.

you know in Beirut, everyone lives in apartment buildings.. with the electricity shortage, it has become hard for the elderly to move in and out of their homes. no one wants to get stuck having to climb stairs to the 12th floor they live on.

my grandma lives on the 6th floor. she is currently bed ridden. i went to see her yesterday.. or was it the day before. she is doing well.. i told her to enjoy her stay in bed because there was nothing much going on for her to see outside, and that anyways it was waaaaaaay too hot. i am not sure if she really knows about what is going on. we don't let her watch the news and we tell her the bomb sounds are fireworks! she lived the civil war in Lebanon, and definitely knows what bombs sound like... so, i think she is just playing along with us to keep us happy. my grand ma was my first muse. i used to paint her a lot when i was younger.

today, i had some errands to run... along the way, i ran into some friends i hadn't seen in over a month! i drove though roads i haven't been on in weeks! wow. it felt so gooooooood. so funny how the simplest things can make you so happy now.

as the situation is getting worse, health and sanitation is deteriorating. the streets of Beirut smell bad. but her citizens are trying hard to stay on top of things. so many people have volunteered their time to help. even the garbage collectors have recruited some volunteers.

we have finally decided that we can no longer wait for a ceasefire to start the oil spill clean up. the oil has been sitting on our beaches for almost a month now. we have been working on putting together a team of civilian volunteers and NGOs to go down to the beach and at least start with what we can do. ie: shoveling the oil off the sand, finding machinery that can suck oil out of the bays and ports... we are all worried about safety though. the Israeli army has been targeting civilians, UN, Red Cross, etc... they have been blowing things up mercilessly. how do we know we won't be targeted? more to come on this soon.

i saw the news about the Heathrow bombing plot... don't know what to say... such devastating news... we don't have to live like this. things could be so much better. they could be so much simpler. seeing the passengers stranded...they reminded me of the displaced people here in Lebanon. i hope they are ok.

Call for Action

Call for Action
August 7th, 2006
‘Lebanon: An Open Country for Civil Resistance’
Civilian Resistance: Call For Action & Solidarity For Lebanon


Website for more info, official press release, media contacts, and language versions:
http://www.lebanonsolidarity.org/

Endorse this call for nonviolent action!

We, the people of Lebanon, call upon the local and international community to join a campaign of civil resistance to Israel’s war against our country and our people. We declare Lebanon an open country for civil resistance.

In the face of Israel’s systematic killing of our people, the indiscriminate bombing of our towns, the scorching of our villages, and the attempted destruction of our civil infrastructure, we say NO!

In the face of the forced expulsion of a quarter of our population from their homes throughout Lebanon, and the complicity of governments and international bodies, we re-affirm the acts of civil resistance that began from the first day of the Israeli assault, and we stress and add the urgent need TO ACT!

We urge you to join us in defying Israel’s aggression against our country and in defending the rights of the inhabitants throughout Lebanon, and particularly in the South, to live on their land. When the United Nations, created to preserve peace and security in the world, is paralyzed; when governments become complicit in war crimes, then people must show their strength and rise up. When justice and human rights are scorned, those who care must unite in their defense.

Building on our belief in our country, the efforts of the civil resistance, and on the arrival of the internationals coming to Lebanon for solidarity, we declare that Lebanon is an open country for civil resistance, starting from August 12.

On August 12 at 7 am, we will gather in Martyrs’ Square to form a civilian convoy to the south of Lebanon. Hundreds of Lebanese and international civilians will carry relief as an expression of solidarity for the inhabitants of the heavily destroyed south who have been bravely withstanding the assault of the Israeli military.

After August 12th, the campaign will continue with a series of civil actions for which your presence and participation is needed. Working together in solidarity we will overcome the complacency, inaction, and complicity of the international community and we will deny Israel its goal of removing Lebanese from their land and destroying the fabric of our country.

To sign up to join the convoy, send an email to one of the following addresses:

If you are in Lebanon
Email Rania Masri: rania.masri@balamand.edu.lb

If you are an international
Email Adam Shapiro: internationals@lebanonsolidarity.org

If you are Spanish speaking
Email Alberto Arce: nonviolenceproject@gmail.com

If you are outside Lebanon and want to sign up and join the convoy, you should know:

You need to obtain a visa for Lebanon and for Syria if your plan is to enter Lebanon from Syria.
We don’t have the funds to cover for the cost of your travel, however we can help with finding accomodations.
Please check the website of this campaign regularly: www.lebanonsolidarity.org

This campaign is thus far endorsed by more than 200 organizations, including:
The Arab NGO Network for Development (ANND), International Solidarity Movement (ISM), Cultural Center for Southern Lebanon, Norwegian People’s Aid, Lebanese Center for Policy Studies, Lebanese Association for Democratic Elections, Frontiers, Kafa, Nahwa al-Muwatiniya, Spring Hints, Hayya Bina, Lebanese Transparency Association, Amam05, Lebanese Center for Civic Education, Let’s Build Trust, CRTD-A, Solida, National Association for Vocational Training and Social Services, Lebanese Development Pioneers, Nadi Li Koul Alnas, Lecorvaw, Samidoun, and The Cultural Movement-Antelias.

1 month anniversary

it has been one month now.

for one month, lebanon has had bombs drop on her.

in one month, i have aged 50 years.

for one month, i have cried everyday.

as the days unfold, the news is only getting worse. i find myself sinking... it has become so hard to write.

how many times can i keep repeating..."help, israel is targeting civilians... israel is blowing up the whole country... infrastructure has been hit...all the highways have been hit... roads and bridges, hit... food and wheat storages, gas and fuel supplies, communication towers, ports...all hit...hospitals shutting down because they have run out of fuel... the whole country is slowly being choked to death.

how many times can i keep repeating that the israeli army is hitting trucks carrying food and aid... they are hitting the red cross... the un...

how many times can i write that war crimes are being committed. that phosphorous bombs are being dropped on children...

how many times can i say that the oil spill has wrecked our coast and marine life... it has now spread to syria, by the way... even after the clean up, it will be 6 years before the environment can stabilize again.

how many times can i keep saying that the planes are getting louder.. the bombs are getting louder!

over 1 million displaced civilians now.
over 1,000 civilians killed.

how many times do i have to say that my country is being destroyed piece by piece. entire neighborhoods in my city no longer exist. entire families have disappeared. the south of lebanon is one fire.

for one month, i have seen lebanon brutalized. her citizens crushed under the rubble of their own homes.

you can not make peace through bombs.

in a week, if we do not get fuel into the country, the hospital that maya goes to will be shut down. she will not be able to get her chemotherapy. that is a few days from now.

a great friend sent me a song. it has become my mantra. every time i think i'm going to break down, panic, etc.. i put this song on full blast... and it somehow gets me to smile :) if there is no electricity, then i sing it out loud to myself.. and to my sister.. and brother.. and dogs.. and neighbors... hahaha...never thought i'd say this, but, long live happy music!!

here are some of the lyrics:

why must our children play in the streets,
broken hearts and faded dreams,
peace and love to everyone that you meet,
don't you worry, it could be so sweet,
just look to the rainbow, you will see
sun will shine till eternity,
i've got so much love in my heart,
no-one can tear it apart,
yeah,

feel the love generation,
yeah, yeah, yeah,
feel the love generation,
c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon yeah,

(whistling.....)

i love beirut

i love beirut. i love her deep blue sea...
inspired by all the i love beirut stickers popping up around the world.
http://thelebanonchronicle.blogspot.com/

beirut, mon amour

ode to Hiroshima:

last night i dreamed that i was at the beach. we were camping out... the whole family was there... then suddenly someone told me that we were at war, and that we had to leave. i got really panicky and my heartbeat started racing... i remember running around trying to find everyone to tell them we had to leave right away. the only way out was by boat. by the time i got to the boat, everyone around me had disappeared.

i was all alone.. it was getting dark. there was no electricity or lights...

the bushes began to rattle and i began to hear really creepy noises... like someone moaning and nails scratching... i decided that i would try and take the trip out on my own. i turned on the boat and then suddenly some family members appeared in front of me.. i was so happy to see them. i ran up to them and hugged them, but as i did, they vanished from sight again.

i was devastated.

i fell to the ground and started to cry.

as i looked up, i noticed blood on my hands and realized that it was coming from me... that i was crying blood.

i leaned over the boat to look at myself in the reflection of the water. the water was a light red and all i could see were dismembered humans in the water.. arms... legs... torsos...

i began to scream and scream... until i woke up.

in some ways, i wish i never woke up. it seems that my reality is even worse than the dream. there are now around 1,000 documented civilian deaths in Lebanon.. the numbers in Israel are beginning to rise as well.

hospitals have begun to shut down due to lack of fuel. by this time next week, they will all be gone... not only will casualties no longer be able to be treated, but what happens to the everyday people who regularly go in for stuff like chronic treatment? kidney dialysis.... chemotherapy...?

what is to become of Maya?

this attack is not going to bring about anything except for more anger and more hate.

you can not make peace through bombs!

there are over 10,000 Israeli troops inside Lebanon right now. the un draft for the ceasefire is not going well.. they are asking that Hizuballah stop firing their rockets but say nothing about the Israeli soldiers leaving Lebanon.

the last time they were here, they stayed for 18 years.

i was only able to visit my father's village in the south a few years ago, after the pull out. it was the first time i had ever been there... i remember how surreal it was. our home had been used as an israeli army center during their occupation. they used to detain, interrogate and torture people in our house. is that going to happen all over again? after the pull out, we knocked down the old house and built a new one.

why is it that israel is allowed to occupy other people's home?

i was in that house a little over a month ago. it was july 1. my cousin's birthday.. now i don't know if i shall ever see it again. did i tell you my husband and i slept outdoors that night, on the patio? it was so quiet and serene... so peaceful...

for those of you who have been leaving messages of peace and love... i am so blessed to be surrounded by so many loving friends.. you have done so much to keep me going... sometimes i am so numb and down that i can not feel your energy... but what happens is that i find myself on the computer typing away and then realize that at least you are providing me with some kind of distraction.. and that is as good as it gets for now...

we have lost all sense of time and life. people wander around, trying to get their daily life stuff done, but we are walking around like zombies.. not knowing where or when this will all end. not knowing if this last breath in will be our last breath out... ever.

i know our neighbors are in pain too... so i wonder why and how this is all allowed to happen. so absolutely pointless.

it has almost been a month now, of this violence.. i have not been able to draw or make anything... i did manage to go to my studio once.. it is still ok, but i had forgotten some jars of glitter by the window, the last time i was there... a month ago... and the glitter had lost its color from the sun! i was so upset... i brought this glitter with me all the way from nyc :)

in the beginning of war, one is concerned about their personal safety... then after a few days, you realize that you are still alive.. so your thoughts then go out to those around you... you start spending your time trying to help others in need... then you reach out and start thinking about all those who are dying or being displaced... you try and help them.. if you can't, you end up spending all your time thinking about them.. writing about them.. then you realize how much time has gone by.. how much you miss your old life... you try and pick up a few pieces.. you try and give yourself some personal time during the day to do the stuff you miss doing... then you start to feel selfish... i went to the studio, but i could not work. i will try again. and again. until something happens.

i have not given up on hope or life. i still believe in humanity. i have not yet learned to hate. i never will.

i am ok health wise... the anxiety attacks have lessened. at least when i get them now, i know exactly what is going on.. and i know that it will pass. it makes a big difference. i try and breath deep breaths... sometimes i can control it, sometimes i can't. sometimes i break down into tears... being taken over by a fearful hysteria... resulting in cold sweats and vomiting... sometimes i am able to snap my fingers, yell out loud to myself "stop it!!" and then move on and try and do something productive or distracting...

as each day goes by, war is becoming a way of life.. and that is so dangerous. people must never get used to this.

today it is Lebanon... but tomorrow, who will be next?

violence begets violence. and all this attack is doing is creating more hate for the west in this region. it didn't have to be like this.

it was only a month ago that i was in the South of Lebanon listening to the radio.. the station was being broadcasted from Israel.. they were playing great music from the 80's... i was listening.. enjoying the tranquility.. and thinking about how similar we were.

a part of me wants to just sleep and wake up when this is all over with... however i am so scared that when i do wake up, things will just be a lot worse.

the rules

with all due respect, i will not tolerate any use of foul language on this blog. all comments containing foul language will be deleted. this policy is followed by all international media sites, as well as my own personal standards.

thank you for understanding.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."
Mohandas Gandhi

And it gets worse

... last night.. last night... i don't even know where to begin from...

it seems the bombs are getting louder. perhaps they are the new ones from
the US expedited delivery.

they hit everywhere last night. beirut, jounieh, roads leading to the
north.... bridges in the north... the only highway left, leading to the
North, the last escape route to Syria, was hit.

we are all trapped now.. waiting... waiting...

the bombs started around 1am in Dahiye... we had some friends over...
everyone was in a state of panic... we waited a bit and then everyone made a
run for it, to go home. one of my friends lives outside of Beirut towards
the north.. a trip that would usually take about 20 min, he made it in about
5. then the bombing started up again... they hit Ouzai which is the southern
part of Beirut. they kept hitting Dahiye... my bed was shaking all night.
the noise was so loud. definitely not like the kind we were hearing before.

i am so drained, my head is buzzing... lack of sleep, lack of food... i am
pulling myself together, but it is not easy.

- new major bridges hit, ghazir, adma, batroun, mameltain, jbeil (all north
of beirut, all Christian areas)
- ouzai (residential area)
- more dahiye (charity institutions, ngo buildings hit)
- the forest in adma is on fire... there is not way to stop the fire, with
the roads cut
- baalbeck was pounded again (there was a helicopter raid a few nights ago,
they landed on a hospital, many civilians killed, several kidnapped,
including a 15 year old goat header)
- masnaa was hit again (that is the eastern road to damascus)
- they hit the electricity power station in the be'kaa; so many people now
without power there
- and the shelling continues in the south; nabatiye, sour (tyr), etc..

we are running out of FUEL. soon there will be no more electricity. soon the
generators will stop working. people in hospitals will die.

The oil spill is a disaster... It has reached as far into Syria, killing
everything in its path.

more and more civilians killed... more and more civilians massacred...

and the world watches on...

i have gotten many emails saying that there are people supporting us..
people behind us.. people out there making a difference... thank you. i
thank you with all my heart.

but, i do know that the majority of the world is also just going about their
everyday business... oh, another war in the Middle East, not our problem...
switch the channel... move on to something else. "Thank God, it's not me..
anyway those terrorists deserve it." they are caught up in their own
everyday problems.. paying bills, taking care of the family, moving on and
up in the world...

... umm can someone tell them i am not a terrorist. please.

everyday there is a new war, so why should this one be any different? it has
become so easy to say the word "war." it has become so easy to generalize
and stereotype. it is on tv everyday... it is no more a shocking event. it
has become a norm... or standard.. and all it does is continue to breed
hatred and violence...

people are making money off this war. people are going to make money off the
reconstruction. is that what is taking so long for the ceasefire to happen?
are they busy negotiating the spoils of war?

... while we sit here in pain and anxiety and sorrow and loss....

war can not be a way of life.

-- this just in, the customs building at the Masnaa' exit from Lebanon to
Syria was just hit. 12 people dead.

Even worse: just in the news. Israel has just acquired a new fighter plane
from America. It is supposed to be undetectable by radar.

this is a graffiti piece (in Arabic) i found near my house. it was done almost 3 weeks ago.. at the start of all this... it roughly translates to "Beirut will never die." i have been wanting to post it for a while. i think that for tonight, it's finally appropriate. to those who drew it, and i think i know who you are :), thank you so much.

beirut will never die

after feeling so helpless all day... not being able to channel any energy into any work, i made my way over to a meeting we were having concerning the oil spill. there were about 10 of us there. i looked around the room and thought about how beautiful everyone was.

here we were gathered in a makeshift office in one of the relief centers... daring to meet up, under the bombs and threats... to talk about our environment and what we were going to do about it.

in the room next door, my sister who is only 24 years old, now head of the medical unit at the relief center, was organizing prescriptions and pills. it is so funny... people call her doctor now. she has a ba in liberal arts. because she has been at the center since day one and took charge of the medicine and distribution, she is now Doctora Lana. :) in a week she learned how to do stuff it takes people years to do at universities!

in the room next to her, people were meeting to set the plan of distribution of milk and diapers for the next day.

despite the threats of Beirut being blown up today, here were people working... here were every day people, coming together to help in any way they could. i was filled with so much love..,being around such passionate people.

something changed tonight. i guess when you are looking at death, straight in the eyes, you find a new kind of courage. you realize how important it is to hang on to what you have. you fight for life with a new kind of passion.

i have spent the last 3 weeks mourning the loss of Beirut... mourning the loss of my dreams and my work.

now, it's time to accept what is happening and take charge of the situation.

beirut, she will never die.

bye bye beirut

just got home.. was driving like crazy... word on the street is that Israel is threatening to hit Beirut now... i feel so helpless... i called Maya, she said that if she dies today that i could keep her dvds that i'm borrowing... i told her the same.

i called my husband and told him to come home right away. if i die, i want to be in his arms...

... my little brother is here with me. he is 20 years old. he is making some tea now. he believes it is going to be ok. we are supposed to be discussing a plan he has to make t-shirts with slogans on them to raise money for the relief shelter he is volunteering at.

this could be my last entry.. maybe...

i have thought of that every time i put up an entry... but today, i am writing it with real fear in my heart.

the violence continues... the hating continues...

how can we stop this? please help to stop this.

i am only 30 years old. i have not had children. i want children. i want to live. i want to grow old with my husband... i want my children to play with my friends children... simple things, i want.

i want to breathe good air again. i want to wake up without my stomach in a knot. i want to stop coughing and vomiting. i want to continue to believe in humanity.

my head is spinning from anxiety.

i will not accept death. it is not my time. there is still so much in life to experience... i want to smile.. and laugh... simple things, i want.

i will not say goodbye... i refuse to say goodbye.

wow. i just realized it is already august. time is flying by so slowly, but so quickly at the same time... is that possible? i have totally lost track of time. every day is simply every day now.

black dust

there is a black dust that is filling the air. we are breathing it in ... constantly. it has settled on my clothes, in my kitchen... it is everywhere. we are guessing it is from the Jiye power station that was bombed... it is still on fire... it is the power station from which the oil spill originated from.

today i had my first experience at queuing for gas. the shortages have arrived. so many gas stations have shut down. the few that are left have long queues.. i waited for 40 minutes.. and when my turn came, i was give $10 worth only.

i only have a few minutes left before the electricity gets cut. we are running on generator now and they usually turn it off at midnight...

everyone is talking about the depleted uranium in the bombs... it is everywhere now. in the air we breathe.. in the land... it will soon be in our crops... in our water... wow. every time i think that things can't get worse, they do.

i am already envisioning myself with cancer. i can feel it all around me. i don't know if i could be as strong as maya has been.

maya by the way is doing ok. she is now on about 5 different pain killers... they make her funny. whenever i call she answers... "hello. maya's house of pain.. can i help you." hehe. it's funnier when you hear it on the phone.

the sky is so dark tonight. there is no moon. beirut is quiet. death is all around me.