Wednesday, August 23, 2006

i'm alive.

ceasefire does not happen overnight.

it's not like you wake up one morning and the birds are singing and the sun is shining and you go to work like nothing ever happened.

week of hell.
this past week has been slow and tough. it is almost as if last month was all played in fast forward and then since the ceasefire, we are moving in ultra slow motion. for the last month, i just wanted everything to end... now, i don't know where to begin. for the last month, i would purposefully try and numb myself because i was too afraid to feel everything... today i am begging for my feelings to return because without them, i can not live.

after a month of stress and living in fear, everything has caught up with throat hurts a lot and my stomach is in a perpetual mess. the knots have not gone yet and its beginning to cause physical damage. i am down, down, down. i couldn't lift a finger to type. i couldn't answer my phone calls. it was so difficult to wake up in the morning... (and i'm usually mrs. super positive!)

i guess it has all hit us one way or another- things are never going to be the same again. we can not live the lives we had a few months ago.

we have to live better. somehow... if that makes any sense.

i have been having the worst of nightmares... i don't know why i'm getting them now. before, i would give anything for a good nights rest. for a quiet night... now that i am sleeping, finally, i have allowed myself to return to the dreamworld... but, it's not a very nice place at the moment. it is full of fears and worries... and so many dead people.

i don't know if i could handle war again. i don't know how it is that i am still alive... i don't know if i could do it all over again. please, i don't want to.

the aftermath.
there were mass burials held this past week. so many bodies had been left to rot because no one could access them before. now they are being buried.

families are wondering why...? why....?

many people are getting sick. there is a new virus going around. i heard it has something to do with the toxins coming out of the damaged buildings plus the dead bodies... it could be from the oil spill.. from the tanks that burned for three weeks covering Beirut in a black smog... the virus lasts for a few days... its effects are vomiting, diarrhea and very high temperature.

on the day of the ceasefire, many people began the return to their homes. they crossed the rivers by foot when needed....they were so determined to get home.. to see if they still had a home. Nasrallah announced that he was going to fix all the houses for free... and that he would provide money to pay for accommodations for people who had lost their homes, while he fixed their old homes.

there are cluster bombs everywhere. they dropped cluster bombs on us... there are so many that didn't explode... they are so so dangerous.

in dahiye the other day, people put up banners on top of the rubble of the buildings. the banner read: made in USA.

the oil spill.
we have spent this last week trying to clean up our beaches. we were shovelling poluted sand and setting up absorbant "boomers" to capture the oil that is still spilling in from the water onto the beach. it has been physically demanding work. we went down wearing masks, gloves and protective clothing under the summer heat... shoveling sand off the beach and putting it into a big pile that would be later moved/contained. the ministry of environment has been slow to act. so, we, the civilians, as always, are taking care of our beautiful country.

the oil has been in our waters and on our beach for 5 weeks now. it is the worst environmental disaster Lebanon has ever seen. in most oil spills, the spill is cleaned up within 72 hours. it has been 5 weeks in Lebanon and we have yet to see a proper clean up process. a lot of the oil is now so deep into the sand and rocks, it will take years and years to clean up. a lot of the oil sunk and has now settled on the sea bed.. this is almost impossible to clean. a lot of the oil in the water has now broken into small globs... like a mirror that has been smashed into shards... making it also almost impossible to clean.

i wonder... why. why did the Israelies target a power plant? there were no Hizuballah fighters hiding there. it was no where near Hizuballah territory. this power plant is located only 30km south of Beirut in an area called Jiye. Jiye is where all our great beach spots are. Jiye is a touristic spot. Jiye is where all the girls flaunt their new g string bikinis and all the boys flex their hard earned muscles. Jiye is where we take Tapi to on Sundays to play with her ball on the beach. Jiye is where we somehow run into the same people we were hanging out with the night before. Jiye is where we somehow continue the conversations from the night before over an ice cold beer. Jiye today, however, is black, dark and toxic.

did they do this on purpose? part of the plan to wreck economical damage on the country? ruin our tourist season... knowing that at this time of the year, the current moves North...away from Israel.

please, this is just too much. today, as i was on the beach, redistributing the boomers that are soaked in this heavy fuel oil... dragging them across the beach... i caught myself wondering how on Earth i was ever going to get pregnant now.

maya had her chemotherapy session and she did really well with it. she has been very positive and is determined to stay in Lebanon now more than ever.

not friends.
there has already been a breach of the ceasefire from the Israeli side... i wonder if it was reported, out there in the West? there was an air raid on Baalbeck a few days ago... this UN resolution is really fragile.

imagine it was the other way around... imagine the Lebanese army was occupying Israel, blowing up the country... conducting air raids as it sees fit, even after a ceasefire has been called.... imagine it was that way around... imagine what the world would be saying and doing.

why is it that Israel has a green light for everything?

why is it that Israel identifies itself through violence and terror?

after thought:
our generation is a beautiful one. we are all connected. somehow. online, at least. we have tools our father and mothers did not have. these tools should help us to understand each other better. i really believe that we have the power to change things. we are living in a beautiful era of telecommunications and global understanding.

a cold war can not exist anymore.

to all who have been posting comments.
i am sorry i have not been able to respond to you all ... i guess i'm not much of a "blogger", but rather see this as a sort of online diary. it is difficult for me to respond to most of your questions. i am not a politician. i don't understand how their minds work.

for those leaving beautiful messages, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. you have become part of my everyday being. i have come to recognize so many of you now... and often look forward to your comments. they give me strength. thank you.

i may not be posting as often as i was before because really, there is so much work to be done now. being online these days is a sort of luxury. i am sorry if any of you were worried by my absence. thank you so much for thinking of me.

with love, always,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, dear ... First of all: I am sooo glad to "find" you again!!!! I wonder what has happened ... and did interpret your not being here in this way, that surely you are much engaged by helping in any kind ...
Concerning all your lines ... you can be sure I can well understand what you write/describe ....
Wish and hope so much for you /to you, that you can "come out off" your own innerst situation...I understand that you aren`t able know to work , to be creative ... and and and ...
Sorry, Zena, but I am too tired now, can´t write a real good letter to you. But I wanted to write several lines to you, at least.
Another time more qualificated, dear Zena.
I wish all the most best to you!!! Stay healthy in that times!!! Same to your beloved husband, your friends and family!
Heartiliest, this femal German : )

2:31 AM  
Blogger Maddy said...

Glad to see you post again.

Now the hard work starts.

Try to blog like a journal, it can be very good to get it down in words and out of your head. Sometimes it helps to tell others you worries.

*A trouble shared is a trouble halved*

2:51 AM  
Blogger arlenes said...

Dear Zena,

So glad that you are ok. I read the last comment on your blog of August 13 of something saying that they heard that you are okay and I said to the universe please let her post I want to see that she is ok.

I just want to send you and everyone in your beautiful country love and healing.

Thank you for sharing with us the human element of what is occuring. And if you can write to make yourself feel okay.


2:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena,
Happy that you finally wrote something to let us know how you, your family and your country are in the aftermath of the war. I'm so sorry that this is such a stressful time. I'm sure it all seems impossibe to overcome.
Yes, we in the US were immediately told about Israel breaking the peace agreement. Of course, we also were told Israel's reasons for the attacks. So very, very sad and feel certain that there are many here who understand your plight and denounce Israel's actions.
Will pray for all of you in the days, months and years ahead.

4:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John Keats said that the world is not a vale of sorrow, but of soul-making. None of us ordinary people can begin to understand how true evil works. But it exists, in so many guises, everywhere. And life remains mysterious and frightening.

Prayer helps, Zena. Time does heal and then suffering bears the golden fruit of the spirit. What you have been through can be understood neither with head nor heart, only the soul knows the final reasons...

God bless you.

4:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can breathe a sigh of relief...I can exhale......So grateful that you are well.

You and your people are always in my heart!


5:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome back, Zena. It is good to hear from you again. I hope that you are continuing on with your life and artwork, in the midst of this difficult time.

A little note about "why Israel attacked your power-plant..." I'm not sure if you've heard this, but Israel rejected a request from the French gov't to allow an expert in oil-spills to fly over the contaminated areas.

Was the attack a pre-meditated strike against the civilian infrastructure (yet another Geneva violation)? Who knows?

Thought you might be interested, tho. You can see the news article, on DN! (scroll to bottom), here:

Stay well, Zena! This too will pass! From one artist in solidarity to another,


5:30 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Dear Zena--

I think I speak for all your readers when I say please don't worry about us. Just keep using your blog as a diary, or whatever you need. Take care of yourself, and we will be here if you need us.

5:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Time is the best healer of all, what ever you're feeling now will go away and life will go back to normal with time....
No one can imagine what you went through last month, from now on try as hard as you can to live again like you used to, everything else will fall into place, Insha-allaah.

love from Toronto.


6:29 AM  
Blogger Ginni said...

Zena so nice to c ur post.. keep safe.. it's like NOAH's ark stuff after war.. & I don't trust IDF.. kp safe... with love 4m INDIA..

7:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey you are back.. good, cause you got me wondering for a while... Saw you on CNN or BBC.. not sure which channel.. it was not MTV for sure...that big smile of yours while helping to clean up the oil spill..the marks of hate..and certainly the marks of pure stupidity..
When we make fun of someone we say: "go bal-let the sea".. you were actually trying to do just want to change the world and you actually try.. that gives me hope, hope in humanity, hope for Lebanon..but one can not live on hope alone.. and that is where your smile and good heart kick in.. it is people like you that make the world go round.. so, please, quickly change gears, and press your mood elevator to the highest level possible and charge ahead and show us the way..
Show us how the positive thinking can bring positive change and prove that war is never the way, never was and never will be..
I think if you also pick up a chocolate bar it will help a lot!!

10:01 AM  
Blogger camille said...

It's so good to see another post from you. Write when you can, tell us about the things you see and do-- it's important because your words are more powerful than the things I hear on TV. Take care. Take care of yourself and the people around you.

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hope that you have grown up, Zena, and learnt that it is unkind to strangle people with personal fears and bad informations, which media are anyway overloaded by happening everyday all around the globe, yet in Lebanon, while you were aware to have been always safe. it is unkind to leave people loaded with a subjective story while you have achieved what others were asked for, to help stopping the invasion.
do you imagine that it is so simple to stand against Izrael and that people don't take personal risks hidden by to have been anonimous? yes, it is luxory to be on-line these days, you seem very little to know how very luxory, because you don't know how certain people, even younger than you, less educated, but demonstrating and expressing fragile values, which have become completely transparent or even invisible.
you worry about your stomac and unable to imagine that those young people in USA or Australia or Europe may be or become homeless or hungry day by day just because they don't have Jewish friends who would protect their reputation just like you having those academic friends of yours sitting in expensice offices and having real luxory dinners celebrating feministic success.

don't be ridiculous, Zena.
yes, go and work!

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I live in Australia, and I felt utter despair at what was happening, and our powerlessness to stop it. Your humanity in terrible circumstances is truly inspiring. These words are all I have to offer, which I regret. I just wanted so say, what you've written has been truly touching, and maybe one day it won't be necessary

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena, wonderful that you took time to write at last! I wish you and all the Lebanese people strenght rebuilding your country. May the forces of darkness that caused all this suffering go back to the hell they came from.
Love from Jerusalem.

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

zena - i've read your blog religiously since i left beirut july 17th. a young lebanese woman returning to her roots to build a life and running away at the first test of loyalty. your blog has helped me feel connected and begin the slow proces of forgiving myself for leaving. i hope to be back in the coming weeks to help... keep writing, keep us connected. you've been an inspiring voice all around the world for all of us. much love, a

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is so good to hear your voice again. I am so happy for
your friend Maya. stay well.

Ginan Rauf

4:22 PM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

It is so good to hear from you again, Zena. Your words, your journal, can mean so much for understanding how conflict affects the most basic everyday events of one's life that so many of us only see through media. You give soul. You have soul. I pray that you and all those who suffer from such horror can someday be safe and secure again, no matter what country, what beliefs, what race, what politics. To you, your family and to your friend Maya, I hold best wishes for you all in my heart.

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, glad to see that you're doing ok. I'm a Lebanese living in Dubai. Throughout the war, I remained very connected to all that was happening, most especially when reading your posts. It is hard to continue where you left off because so much has happened, such irreversible damage has been done, so many dead, so many lives destructed. But Lebanon always has a way of re-emerging and if history has proven anything, it's that our will is indestructible; that is what makes our country and its people so special. Be patient Zena. Continue your good work because if Lebanon needs anything right now, it's more people like you.

God bless you.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was so relieved to see you back online and know you're alive. The devastation and damage you're dealing with sounds awful. I don't know how Israel gets away with it. Prayers and peace to you and all those who are suffering in the world. -Sarah in Brooklyn

6:15 PM  
Blogger imogen said...

dear zena,

it is so good to see you here again. you write as ever with the power of a poet and the passion of a burning soul. you have done so much to illucidate this situation for so many of us.

thank you.

keep the power, be patient and your spiirit will return, mrs positive energy!

love, peace,

i xXx

8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena,
I am so happy reading your beautiful lines, was pretty worried.
Just wanted to send you, your husband, family and friends my very best wishes and continued strength.
I pray for you
Love and Peace
ingrid/around the corner from thompson street

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena,
I have for a very long time been ashamed to be an Israeli (and on top of it also an American). I have for the past 6 or so years been an activist against the occupation of Palestine (which I believe officially began in 1948). I have seen with my own eyes how destructive Israel is. But what it does to Gaza and what it did to Lebanon is unbelievable. I am so sorry.
Thank you for writing, for being so humane. Many of your updates I forward (as does Ed Kent) and reach thousands of people whom you will never know, but to whom you bring the human element.
May you see better days. May Lebanon see better days. May Israel disolve into Palestine where all can live in peace as once they did, without fear.
Best, Dorothy

11:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

habibti...thank you so much for your words and thoughts and fears this past month and a half, which has felt like years. They have helped carry me in a way nothing else has...I was telling mama the other day that although I've never met you and perhaps never will, I feel like you're my best friend as you've been sharing your most intimate thoughts with me and thousands of others. Thank you for that. The sea covered, saturated, destroyed with breaks my heart every day. The sea is my sanctuary, my solace...It brings me peace of mind once a year when I get to return to our beautiful libnan. I have photos I've taken from the Corniche of the sea on my wall in my cubicle and glance up at them just about everyday to regain my calm. I know we will rise again, we will somehow rebuild, clean, return...your words helped me cling to my humanity, which was/is the only thing to get me through the devestation. Akh...and living in NYC, it's like Little Tel Aviv everywhere here...humanity is all we have left when they break our bones and roads and homes. My promise to myself throughout this was that I will not let them break my heart. Never. They will not break my spirit and my commitment to equality and life and justice...and peace. Those are realms even their strongest bombs cannot reach. My heart has ached like it never has before...but it is strong and did not break. That was my resistence.

all my heart.

11:57 PM  
Blogger Flubberwinkle said...


I am outraged by Israel's atrocities against Lebanon. I will continue to protest and demonstrate against any acts of war and I hope Lebanon will never have to bury another bombed innocent or lose hope again. Never.

I wish you strength and better days. Your blog is a cry of humanity that has touched me deeply.

Peace be with you (inside and out).
Athena from Athens,Greece

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena,
Just to say that it is good to hear that you are OK. Eveyday I check your blog to know how are things in Beirut.


1:24 AM  
Blogger Osis said...

Hope to hear from you soon.

you are a true artist.

1:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have checked your blog daily and for the last while i would close my eyes after clicking on hoping when i opened them you would be back. today i was rewarded.
good things come to those who are patient!
we are blessed to have your voice back, for it is all we have been waiting for. to read your thoughts, no matter what, is what We Need. to let us know what You are Feeling is what You Need. when you speak of what is happening it becomes easier to find your way.
so please just stop and say hi to us and make us happy and we in turn will thank you and hope it brings a sense of togetherness to you.

5:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena, I like sooo many have been following your heartfelt and harrowing journey, strange though it may seem you have also given me so much hope in this fragile world with your amazing outlook and desire to remain true to your ideals of love. I too believe that the heart and love energy is the only thing that will transform our world, it is the only thing that cannot truely be taken away, although others can try hard to erode it. It is the only way we can re build and re build.
Zena do not worry that you have low energy and are tired and feel sick, this is natural. You have been living on survival adrenaline for the last month and your body needs to come down and re energise it needs to be tired and it needs to make sense of all that has happened. I am an artist and performer and to balance this and allow fexibility to pursue this, i massage. the type of massage i do is from Hawaii/Polynesia and works very much from the heart. A couple of weeks ago I had a client, a man in his early 30's. His wife had sent him, he told me he was a builder and usually full of energy, could work 16 hours or more but now he had none, he had to drag himself from bed. He then proceeded to tell me that he had just got back from Lebanon a week ago. He had been there for a family wedding and had only just made it out before the last of the bombs made any evacuation impossible. He had driven with his family non stop to Jordan. I had told him this is no wonder you feel like this, you are coming down from intense adrenaline tension and shock. So I suppose I say this to remind yourself to be gentle with yourself, you are an amazing strong woman but let yourself be nurtured when you can.
I, like so many, have felt at a loss as to how to immediately deal with this latest world crisis, so as an artist/performer I feel that I can only respond with the tool I know best. I am aware that now that the fragile ceasefire has been called the topic goes of the frontpage and people start to forget what is still going on. As my builder client said, there is so much damage it is a nightmare to know where to begin and it will take years.
so Zena I hope you don't mind, but I will be reading selections of your blog within the context of a short 10min performance i will be doing on the 1st and 2nd of October as part of a short performance night. I wish people to not forget and to realise the ongoing struggle. You are so right, the global telecommunications community brings us closer on one level yet still when you are in a country so far away from yours it is still hard for the general public to truly comprehend this on a deep level, myself included, there can only be a varied sense of empathy.
so wonderful strong woman, please take care the world needs more people like you.
much love
Julie from Australia

9:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i worry that all the kindness and patience and concern of the kind people may causes you also some headaches, Zena. can any words explain the way you feel?

some reading of Zaratustra would help, or Kahlil Gibran or Izucu, if you might not prefer direct readings of Arabic thinkers and artists .. they all try to win the EGO or the self, but maybe sitting on a bank beside a book of Freud is sufficient

see you

12:40 PM  
Blogger Fayrouz said...

Glad to read you again Zena.

1:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank you, zena, for all the time you have spent writing to us. i hope you know how much it means to each and everyone of your readers. it brings us a bit of calm to know you are okay.


oh, would you please mention in your posts if you hear of any organizations sponsoring volunteers to come to lebanon and help with the clean up/rebuilding.

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

links to those serious:
three levels of engagements

for the self-confident ones who mind!

8:08 PM  
Blogger Nuclear Free said...

why do we do what we do ... in all things, there is a way to heal and way to destroy... against all adversity only a smile ... as ants we move to the whims of those with greater power ... for what ... for why ... i wish for a world where we are all equal, where we all respect each others foibles and ways of doing/seeing, i wish for a world where suffering like this is no more ...
What can I do??
but stare
everyone stares but no one cares ... how do i help from so far away maybe a joke to lighten the mind ...

why do people tell jokes ?
because of the reaction it evokes,
the subsequent dabs and occassional pokes,
pushes the servile faces of those masculine blokes,
and subservient women dispel their despairs in gallons of wash down Pims and multi-coloured hairs,
And fears,
what of fears?
drowned swallowed in murky beers,
hidden from the pride of society,
the pagan dreams and the plastic piety,
weightwatchers ponder a life so dietry,
where clocks become scales and those that eat are them that fails,
their bawdy, brave and balmy wiles,
unkempt faces and put on smiles,
I, the robot, you the plug
involved in wars without the tug,
pushed and pulled and stuffed in place,
prizes awarded before the race,
limp surroundings, sturdy jelly,
convivial masks and sucked in belly,
A new dawn above the cirrus arises,
Jokes tell peoples uncertain disguises ...

thinking of you, lest we forget ...
Arohanui from Aotearoa/New Zealand

2:24 AM  
Blogger MERKOVA said...

hey Zena ......are you enjoying the hezbollah money you got? Since your a hezbollah mouth piece Im sure you got more than 12k.

8:14 AM  
Blogger Jade said...

Love and healing to you and your beautiful homeland.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mururoa, you resemble artists to would be employed by the duty to serve culture as it used to be .. creative and to place people in a healthy and suitable and interactive surroundings tied to the principles of universe .. how many of you yet subdue an inspiration and performance of the same laws leaving producing of waste out of its potentials and individual creativity? many of contemporary artists suiting to a personal drive are worse than one president of a state .. if you only knew how well art is utilized to replace those functions that a government ought to refund people to would recover from a bad social-life they commit due to lack of experiencing of REAL life ... and those other excuse a commitment: " well, anybody have asked you, anybody has forced ..?" ... and leave consistency and beauty of LIFE as these are not in the fundaments of every MUST particle of our existence constructed just to FUNCTION but not to revive! yes, THE ESSENTIAL BEAUTY of the universe is the fundament of a religion and keeps it existing, keeps it sacred, will make it to surpass our scarce reality devastated by individualized intentions transformed and transfered as they would be personal - deeply in themselves these have been inspired by the love overwhelming all and yet remaining equitable

a joke?
in the city i live, amsterdam, a man phoned to an animals' ambulance that a camel was standing in his garden. the servent suggested that the man ought to take a cup of coffee first (to become sober) and later to phone again. after five minutes he phoned that the camel was still standing in the garden.
the camel was abandoned by a circus, which visited the city. the camel might have taken a walk away and got lost, because the city is yet green of trees and bushes, the camel might have wondered and found it a more suitable place to stay in.

a joke? no, it is the beauty of reality, our reality, it is a proof of life united in the sensitivity we are gratified with as to be born.

how would be possible not to respond to love, how cruel it is to ignore the beauty. a camel made its path and was lucky to be found in the garden of a kind man,a concerned person. he might have phoned to police as well, hasn't he?

we are all of Allah and we are small and we are in need of thy love

it is a crime to waste

2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Can you just get lost, stupid mentally challenged animal? How was your operation, by the way?


12:51 AM  
Blogger Kara Melissa said...

It's good to see that you are doing ok. I will pray for your strength and to find peace within yourself as you embark on the journey of putting things back together. I hope that your nightmares leave you soon.

1:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For goodness sake people...when are you going to stop responding to these guys and their moronic comments??? Youre keeping it going! For all our sakes please stop saying anything. We all know these guys are dumb so theres no point saying it again and again! Ive waited and waited for people to get the message, hoping I wouldnt have to say this as Im aware it is in a way, responding, but I just cant stand it anymore and Im sick of coming here and seeing these comments and the responses etc..Please keep the focus on support for Zena. I had to say this in the hope that everyone would finally stop feeding them.

2:56 AM  
Blogger Herbert Holguín (เฮอเบิร์ด) said...

best wishes for u and your country... go for your dreams!

3:58 AM  
Blogger jarvenpa said...

Never feel you must respond to comments. But know you are being held in the hearts of many, even in the US.

6:44 AM  
Blogger MERKOVA said...

by the way ..... do you guys like the unexploded cluster bombs? Its proudly made in The US of A.

Pick one up for me or tell your neighbors. Dont worry it wont kill you it will just take an arm off.

Are you still enjoying the blood money hesrallah gave you guys? Dont you forget that money is not free. hesrallah one of this days will call upon you to suite up with a bomb belt or be a human shield for him.

3:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beautiful Zena, our thoughts are with you and we're sending healing thoughts your way.

2:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Much love Zena.

2:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena I've been reading your blog, hoping for things to change for you and your beautiful home, maybe now they can.

2:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are all sending our love across the sea to you beautiful woman.

2:41 AM  
Blogger Jade said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are such an inspiration to me Zena, your story has put a face to this awful war and it has ceased to feel like something thats happening 'somewhere else' I feel so sad but also happy that a woman like you is there to help rebuild your home. You are a true woman of strength and an important voice in this time. Thankyou.

2:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thankyou for the gift of truth and feelings you have given us about this war. The news is so unfeeling and removed from the heart but you have put the heart back.

2:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena you are a true beauty woman, thankyou for your words and I thank the universe that you are safe and as well as can be expected.

2:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena, please make sure you look after yourself and eat as much good food as is possible, you are going to need your strength even more now but at least it is now for the positive rebuilding of your home. Like the Phoenix from the ashes Beirut will rise again and again, it is a true testament to you and your people that you never let these attacks hold you down for long. Years of wars on and off and you never go down for is amazing!!

2:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yo, yo ... morality is something that has been always standing more straight than a pillar!

2:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

B.K.J is right...keep your beautiful morality dear Zena, we all pray for you.

1:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

B.K.G sorry!

1:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"No God But ALLAH"

4:28 AM  
Blogger universal voice said...


This is Christian.
I often think of you and all the other people in Lebanon (and Gaza) who have to come to grips with the destruction and pain now filling the air. In Lebanon you have the hard job of facing the aftermath with full awareness. You describe just that kind of 'awakening' from the state of attack. I truly feel for you. Wish I could send more help.

The attack.'Why'.
There is only one answer: Egotism/Greed-to the highest degree imaginable. The world is still allowing Israel the role of 'supreme victim', and there is a vicious, worldwide PR machinery active to maintain that state. The economic/military power of the US is at the disposal of these people due to the intense lobbying and pressure of the Israel-supporters in the US. Even here in Canada they are rabid. To the extent that even the CBC is full of pro-Israel spin, sometimes so blatant, it's hard to believe.
So this attack had nothing to do with the two captured soldiers, and everything to do with the domination of the middle east by the US/Israel, which is an economic purpose, i.e. the control of oil, as well as water and best lands (for Israel). For the US, Hezbollah/Lebanon was a stepping stone to Iran. Listen to the Israelis talking up the 'IRAN' thing. The nutcases in Washington can't wait to get Iran, and Israel's greed is served by that desire.
Which leaves you probably even angrier, but hopefully only for a short while. It is better to understand the political context than to be 'fogged' by lies and manipulation.
One other point- even in Israel there are people who see this mess as despicable as it is. A glint of light.

I know you get all kinds of advice. I can not give you the recipe for quick improvement, but in the long term, I know that you are already 'on to it'. The love inside you and the expression of it in your daily encounters is the only light to walk by.
I am pained even this far away (Canada), knowing the suffering inflicted on you and yours. But perhaps that is an energy connection which contributes its tiny part of love to the Lebanese people, as to the many others in this world who suffer oppression. We have to strengthen that 'earthnet' of brother/sisterhood. Know that you are not alone!

Thinking of you- with love!


PS: You don't have to write long lines- just a few, when you can. We'll be here.

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anonymous 1.21, what did you do wrong to have excused? i don't think i am the right one on you mind.

i see the whole world collapsing especially if i think of future of the Earth envaded by parents who are having at least 3 children wherever. at the Greenpeace they are well informed with projected developments of the quality of life, also wars that are rooted in reasons of non-availability of certain natural resources.
so, i am sure if you feel as to have excused yourself to me since i have no child on my own, there are many more you ought to do it so - even at those dead or never born. it is a good try and an open surender excuse. if you have started well intended, maybe the contribution shall make a good change to more westerns feeling as to must pre-occupy the east.. by yours, such or another way! i accept the apology. i hope you know what that means. it means that you are guilty, the excusing one! i hope you will be capable of carrying the blame.

i permit you to write my name K.G.B., the same as by now non-existing fearfull intelligence service of the former SU - even this wrongly pronounced as B is infact "vzaimopomosch"; in russian "v" is written as "b". nevertheless, you have bad luck, because Bojana K. Grabar was born a yaer before the fearfull KGB was established, but unfortunately i wasn't born in Russia.

i often ask myself how that SU and "Warshaw pact" don't exist anymore, but U.S.A. and the damned NATO yet bravely dare to apply weapons of mass-distruction upon the political goals defined as "democratization". how is it possible to have cheated all the world and lied, while i met a Jewish family Weissman (the man supposed to be working at the American embassey in the republic Russia, while also Sovjet Union was a federal states unit) at the airport in Moscow and Leningrad in 1978. the man couldn't believe how was it possible for me to had been dressed in jeans. pardon? isn't Italy the centre of jeans industry?

the only federal state remaining in the world is yet U.S.A. - are these horrible wars anticipating an agony of the centralized state-mega-monster? if not acknowledged, the whole world has been fearing and working since so long against all chances of the world to would collapse into a gap of a total destruction after innitializing of the Cold war, i am rather convinced that only few are yet those who can clearly rememember how beautiful the world used to be, before U.S.A. has taken the leadership in the collectivized capitalism-ideology paranoia.

anonymous, Bush also expressed his excuses. i hope that never again he shall have any use of his own words or excuses. he is shameless, so are you.

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I was actually apologising for getting your name wrong...but thanks for the long tirade anyway! People like you make me laugh, thankyou for making me laugh today, such a great way to start the day.

2:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, I know you must be very busy helping with the rebuilding. If you find some spare time to be on your computer, I hope you will join us at
Middle East Talks, (MET), is a form of rebuilding. It is the building of relationships from across the middle east and the world. It is a way to reach out and try to heal. We would love to have you join us.

5:38 AM  
Blogger MERKOVA said...

Christian or Universal voice....

I dont know where your from but you have to understand that Israel
is one of the US satellite States. Israel is like a buffer zone against the nut cases being born everyday in lebanon, syria and iran. Would you want iran armed with a nuke? I dont think so. They will use the nuke with anyone and impose their crazy islamic ideas to other mid-east states.

lebanon is just another battlefield and a victim of iran and syria. These countries does not care about the population. And if people like does not open your eyes wide open you will end up a nuke in your backyard. Look beyond whats going on. This war is not over it just started. Prepare to fight for your country if you got any.

7:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merkova, you make some wrong conclusions.
but, from my point of view i can understand why paraphrazing deadly serious matters makes people to laugh and so hard to would be believed. i know that people recognize as to be prophets just Jesus and Mohammed, peace be upon both of them and the believers of their conscience, but beside ancient ones and female, there is a whole thick book of prophets who were recognized to had been Hebrew also. it appears as there was clearly a historical need inside the tradition of prophetisms that Mohammed (pbuh) was pronounced as to be the last prophet.
then, westerns made Nostradamus at the beginning of the dark middle ages and yet people regard the world with his enigmatical parables. it must be very dificult to make a living in the west if looking what only one man narrated few centuries ago, and speaking as Jesus Christ will anyhow revive as a following coming messiah. within the frames of darken visions of Nostradamus, it is not strange that Islam has been declared as a religion of hope the only promising deliverance if a person is disciplined and wise, since a subjected perception darken by a spirit created inside the heavy isolated walls, accompanies the world up to nowadays by mad scientists who repeatedly discover universe in their privatized germs'µ-cosmos. with wonderful many many exceptions put on burning pile tragically defending rational attitudes for the costs of their own lifes, but benefiting the heritage of human's wisdom.
anonymous, what i have written is only a reflection of my experiences. some say that i am funny, but sometimes i have managed even the fools to stop laughing. however, i am glad i can make one person's day to be a lighter one. i respect sincere people who can behave themselves and express honestly. thank you for to have read my mail.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surreal6 is B. K. G.

12:23 PM  
Blogger MERKOVA said...

surreal6 ....

WTF are you talking about. Give me some of that good stuff you smoke:)I might be a christian and I dont go to church but I'm not a religious fanatic like you are.

Reality is zena and others like her must die because of their belief. That belief is too kill all non muslim. Which includes Christians, Jews, Hindus ..etc ....

1:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merkova, get serious .. you are badly informed about reality and the truth. not strange, people don't have time for truth, because lies are easier to understand. no stuff smoking - after a life like mine, the brain starts looking itself for an amusement inside its own wonderous creation. in psychology its named a defensive mechanism and the best of it is defined as SUBLIMATION. do the google and learn and after return analysing a religion, not people. first there were people, after a need for revelations started forcing us to think and reason. who of anybody you name claims that they are good? however, there are some of people, who are some better than the others. we choose consciously or not, otherwise there occures somebody making decisions for us needed to be done. only growing and decaying happens itself inside their bio-rythms. find some pleasure for yourself, selfishness is everybodies domain. even the craetor, our loved allah or jahve or adonai or many may be heard to have loved the eternal, the universal, the everlasting and so on ... thy world created, loved more than people. this is why there are wars - we, people, are challenged, tempted by our own neglect, and have made to be challenged deserved -it is hard to understand, hard to accept, but we keep on waisting the paradise we eat from. and we keep on being mercyless - sometimes by stupidity, sometimes by helplessness, sometimes due to a purpose.
look around yourself and tell me if these is not true. then, think of your own contribution into the disastre named the human race you are faced with yourself, and mind what will make you to be happier. think and try to recognize an essence of the answer. Jesus and his fellows were the ESSENs, looking into the sources of life and reflecting what ONLY was needed to live, what would be sufficient. never heard of prana, the spiritual food? you read, you explore, you provocate, you communicate - in here is the essence of your needs; what are the issues you explore?
just to reveal you a secret you have asked me for, in general not favoured: social isolation is a remedy and a way to an acknowledgement with yourself, but it must be ballanced. in there, in the lonelyness you shall find a person you are, who is just the same to anybody else. you shall find, because you search for it. this is what you have been doing, but, those who have refused you THINK that they have found it, yet didn't. otherwise they wouldn't have tried to make you to be gone off this blog. you are not alike to those, so why are you suggesting that people, who make your thoughts possible to be expressed, ought to be annihilated.? i have livead a life of these and yours. and not only i.

3:28 PM  
Blogger MERKOVA said...


I still think your a crack-pot. I stand in my position. Israel does not want to invade lebanon. Israel wants to annihilate people like zena who supports the darkside and the destruction of Israel.

There is no resolution to this conflict as long as people like zena is being influenced by radical muslims. Death is the only resolution.

8:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i still think you make wrong conclusions, Merkova. Zena deleted my post as i promised i will hit into hats of the local Jews in my street.

i find it interesting that both, the radical muslims (according to your opinion) and radical Jews (a.m.), both wear black hats. i would say they are two sides of the same coin.

who is the edge connecting both, is the question Hamlet would state.

my answer: Mohammed, Jesus and the prophets.

mistake: Jews don't exist. the identification was started in the times of agressive anti-semitism (!:!) in the times of the famous German idealism crowned by Hegel. Marx defined importance of an ideology and capitalism very well, but has not been tolerated due to his narration of religion, and later because of the tones he is paraphrazed with. some say that he died poor, because of to had been a "Jew", the other say because he wrote books as Das Kapital, The Jewish Question, and cannot stop throwing at the memory of his beard (!) and face that he supposed to be anti-religious, while he understood the importance and position of religion as excellent as not many before and after him. to understand the political importance of religious attitude of other phylosophers and social thinkers, have a look just how Henrik VIII. in England was related to the Church, and who they chopped off or burnt together.

"Religion is opium for the masses."

well, damned, it is true. as much confort as humans have been needed while approached consequences of modern industrialization, which has been causing enormous abuse of people, destruction of nature and estabished pollution society yet tries to will overwhelm and is beside social stratification the worst heritage of the 18-19th century, creating imperialistic wars in search for more resources and production of slaves, so much confort demanded by people squeezed into stupidity and nonsense of omni-present decay, none of existing forces would be capable to offer when compared to an organized religion.
i presume, you may know effects, purposes and situations as opium is used, even when manufactured to morphine. don't start to argue with me that the western social ballance is not sank into use of drugs and tranquillizers as such.
in comparison, a person's belief and trust into religion is definitely more healthy tranquillizer (i exclude sexual abuses). confort, compassion, empathy is more than needed to every living being. who opposes this basic human need has directed the-self on the shortest one-way path to the final resort.
i accept your idea that i am crappy due to i have tried to bring forward few fatal mistakes world political ideologies have commited against life. it is hard to know if not lived, i claim.
but, i am in peace with myself however not quiet enough to would be enjoyable for everyone.

11:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boring...its so funny how ignorant and impotent men have to assert themselves with hate and imagined power. They are sad little men with no real power in their own lives so they have to come here and bully a woman. How embaressing for them. So sad that this is the only way they can feel like men. Oh well.

2:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


7:29 AM  
Blogger serafina delarosa said...

hello zena,
good to hear from you again...
please keep your diary, keep witnessing and reporting.
I am looking forward to the day when I read your entries about art shows, and laughs with friends, and travel... and babies :-)))
then, it will be peace

10:51 AM  
Blogger Fayrouz said...

Zena I miss your words
I understand you needed a break to ease the pain now that is not raining bombs in Beirut.
I wonder if you can limit the length ot the comments as some of them are too long, like ugly stains in your beautiful blog. After all you are the master of this place. If others have lengthy talks to make they can create their own blogs. Comments should only respond to you and they could be limited to few lines.
I am sure all the loving friends will understand.
Please keep posting. Even if you have to delete the spoiling comments.

1:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can barely imagine how you must feel. Soul and body took hard hits and you struggle with healing, you have self-doubts and you hate the direction, things and thoughts are going.

I hope you are ok, I hope you are safe, I hope you have the freedom to recover.

I would like to read more from you. Please keep building bridges. Don't underestimate your words, don't mark your thoughts unworthy to be written. Please keep building bridges to the rest of this world. We need you.

10:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We(many americans) are so sorry that a man who came to power based on fraud and lies approved and supported destruction of your country.

Please read the following:

Public Outcry Forces Ohio to Delay Destruction of Presidential Ballots

A public outcry in Ohio has forced the state to delay its plans to destroy the ballots from the contested 2004 Presidential elections. Allegations of fraud and disenfranchisement in the state continue to cause people to question the results which declared Bush the winner by a 130,000 vote margin. We speak with Steven Rosenfeld, co-author of the forthcoming book, "What Happened in Ohio."

We turn to Ohio where a public outcry has forced the state to delay its plans to destroy the ballots from the contested 2004 Presidential elections. Allegations of fraud and disenfranchisement in the state continue to cause people to question the results which declared Bush the winner by a 130,000 vote margin. Just yesterday Senator John Kerry- who lost to Bush-sent an email to Democratic supporters. He stated that the Secretary of State of Ohio, Kenneth Blackwell, used his office to "suppress the Democratic vote."
A lawsuit will be filed in a Federal court in Ohio today that seeks to preserve those ballots so that voting problems in that election can be fully investigated and understood. The suit is being filed by the Center for Constitutional Rights and several Ohio civil rights attorneys.
• Steven Rosenfeld, co-author of the forthcoming book, "What Happened in Ohio: A Documentary Record of Theft and Fraud in the 2004 Election."

AMY GOODMAN: We turn now to Steven Rosenfeld, co-author of the forthcoming book, What Happened in Ohio: A Documentary Record of Theft and Fraud in the 2004 Elections. Can you explain what's happening? Will a lawsuit be filed, or will the announcement by this state of Ohio that they won't destroy the ballots preempt the lawsuit?
STEVEN ROSENFELD: A lawsuit will be filed. And the lawsuit will say that voters in Ohio in 2004 were deprived of equal treatment, which is a civil rights claim. And it's actually pretty easy to prove that that was the case, because we can show that there were long lines in many urban cities, we can show that there were voter purges that actually targeted cities where African Americans were the vast majority of the population. And there are many things like that. And the relief that -- well, what we were initially seeking was, as we filed that suit, was to preserve the evidence of the 2004 election, which is the actual ballots and voter sign-in books and things that -- it's really the paper trail that says which votes were counted, which votes were not counted, were they counted accurately, and so forth.
JUAN GONZALEZ: And do you see the state's actions, announced yesterday, as an attempt to head off your lawsuit?
STEVEN ROSENFELD: Well, clearly, yes. It was absolutely prompted by it. You know, the rule is that federal ballots must be held for 22 months. Now, 22 months is -- the 22-month anniversary of the 2004 election is September 2. So, absolutely, under a threat of this civil rights suit and questioning by some major media that was covering this, the Secretary of State announced that he would issue an order. It would actually create a process by which ballots could be destroyed, but the immediate effect is to postpone that for a couple of months. So, actually, that enables us and other people who are investigating what happened to keep looking at these ballots. And it should be -- it's to be contrasted with Florida, where in 2003 the Secretary of State ordered that all their 2000 ballots be sent to the state archives. So, you can see the difference.
AMY GOODMAN: And talk about Ken Blackwell, the Secretary of State of Ohio. What role has he played in this?
STEVEN ROSENFELD: Well, Ken Blackwell is now running for governor. It's a very partisan campaign. But he has been perhaps the most heavy-handed secretary of state or election administrator in recent U.S. history, we would say, those of us who have investigated what happened in Ohio, more so than Katherine Harris in Florida.
What happened in Ohio was that the Republicans, at basically every level of their political organizations, targeted the voting process to create all kinds of obstacles that ended up disenfranchising literally tens of thousands of people in cities across the state. And then -- and that's really -- you could see the evidence for that is really clear. It was the long lines. It was the voter purges. It was all the disqualified ballots. It was all kinds of rules for which ballots would be counted. It was voters who were challenged with their registrations when they walked into polls.
The other half of that is that it looks like in the Republican areas that were very strong, all those standards were not applied evenly. And it looks like, to us, that the vote counting was -- we think we found what looks like ballot box stuffing. And when we say that, what we mean is we actually have gone in to count the paper records, and we say, here, several hundred voters signed in to vote, but when you look at the official results, there were 100 more or 150 more, precinct by precinct.
So all of this happens under a secretary of state who created atmosphere that was very permissive, that allowed this to happen. And he set the tone, because he basically created all these rules that would say which voters would be allowed to vote, which ballots would be qualified, disqualified, etc. And that's the way he has run the state. And he's done this with this incredibly sanctimonious personality and air that he's, you know, “Mr. Election Integrity.”
AMY GOODMAN: Steven Rosenfeld, we're going to have to leave it there, but I want to thank you very much for being with us, co-author of forthcoming book, What Happened in Ohio: A Documentary Record of Theft and Fraud in the 2004 Election.

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena

try to understand the true nature of the people who control this global war,

the following article should help you overcome some of your naivity
During the summer of 2001, the BIG story was the mysterious disappearance of Chandra Levy on May 1, 2001. Levy had been romantically linked to California congressman Gary Condit. Rumors swirled about Condit's perverse sexual appetite, and how Levy had been done away with, directly or indirectly, by Condit, to keep her from ruining his family and career. However, there is an even more sinister side to this story.
On September 11, 2001, Gary Condit, Chandra Levy, and all the attention they had recieved all that summer, came crashing down along with the World Trade Center Towers. In March 2002 Condit lost his bid for re-election, mostly because of his ties to the scandal. The remains of Levy mysteriously appeared May 22, 2002, over a year from the day she disappeared. How strange, her "Skull and Bones" miraculously appeared in a wooded area in Washington's Rock Creek Park. Massive police searches of Rock Creek park produced no results during the summer of 2001, however the following spring she was discovered by a man whose dog was "looking for turtles". It was declared a homicide by investigators. Most of the incriminating evidence was long gone due to the effects of time. They found her remains deep in the woods, next to a tree. Her leggings had been knotted at the ends, leading to speculation that she had been tied up with them, possibly to the tree. The rest of her faded clothes, including Reebok sneakers, and a USC sweatshirt were nearby. Her walkman was found sitting neatly on a rock, with the headphones still attached. Her hyoid bone, located in the neck, had been damaged, which indicated she was probably strangled. It looked as though she had gone into the woods willingly with someone she knew, and was attacked unexpectedly by that person, or the crime scene was set up to appear that way, perhaps at a later date, which seems more likely, considering her remains would have almost certainly caught the attention of police dogs in 2001. In either case, it was NOT a random robbery or mugging. Whatever coverage this once big story had recieved soon came to an end. As with so many other stories, the Corporate Media gave us the Official Party Line when it came to the Levy story, but this story has many layers, and like an onion, the more layers you unravel, the more it stinks.

After September 11, 2001, people began to remark that all of the attention given the Levy case up to the 9-11 attacks was a blatant example of how the media focuses on trivial events in pursuit of ratings. However, believe it or not, the murder of Levy, and the "911 EMERGENCY DAY" attacks, may be directly related. The timing of her disappearance with the September 11 terrorist attacks, as well as the Timothy McVeigh execution, and the circumstaces in her life just prior to her abduction and murder, cast a dark shadow over the entire Chandra Levy mystery. Evidence indicates that the 24 year old Chandra Levy was an agent working for a renegade faction of the MOSSAD, Israel's top spy agency.

Chandra was good looking, and that was an asset. She was known as a thrill seeker, and wanted to become a latter day Mata Hari, a World War One spy who infiltrated high levels of military commands. Even as a teen, Chandra liked to volunteer to assist the local police in her home town of Modesto, California. She would participate in "sting operations", trying to catch local businesses selling alcohol to minors. Those who knew her say she dreamed of becoming a covert operative with the CIA when she grew up. Just weeks before she vanished, Levy took a trip to Israel. Photos of her in Israel later appeared in Time and other major publications. Israel places great importance in its symbiotic relationship with the USA, and they would be unable to exist without the vast amounts of aid, both military and social welfare, that is sent yearly from the U.S.. They also depend on critical intelligence information that is obtained either through cooperation, or covertly. According to a former MOSSAD agent who wishes to remain anonymous, "Operation Dumb Eagle" is the code name for the spy agency's extensive efforts to infiltrate top levels of the U.S. government through the placement of American Jews in sensitive positions. Part of "Operation Dumb Eagle" is the recruitment, training and placement of attractive Jewish coeds as U.S. Interns.

Chandra Levy attended the University of Southern California to earn a Master's degree in Public Administration. While in California, Levy had served as an intern for Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan, and California Governor Gray Davis. There she discovered the private world of high level politicians, many of whom live wild satanic sex lives. She moved from from her home in Modesto to Washington DC in September 2000 to begin an internship at the Federal Bureau of Prisons. After moving to Washington, Chandra was in a perfect position gather top secret information, not only at her job, but also by using her female powers of persuasion. In October 2000, she stopped by the offices of her hometown congressman, Gary Condit. They posed for pictures, and Condit asked Levy if he could see her again sometime. She accepted, and the romance began almost immediatly. The MOSSAD keeps extensive dossiers on a large number of U.S. politicians. And they undoubtedly knew of Condit's wild sex life, and felt that Levy would make the perfect honey trap. Condit's position as a senior member of the intelligence committee would make him a prime target for just such an operation. The sexual seduction of high level government officials by spies is usually of the illicit category, which provides foreign powers the added advantage of being able to better bribe and control the targeted victims, who, as it was with Condit, may be married with children.

As an intern in the Federal Bureau of Prisons during the winter and spring of 2001, she worked in the Public Affairs section, and Press Office. Chandra's co-workers at the Bureau of Prisons praised her work and noted that Chandra was very computer literate. Her last duties at BOP before her unexpected termination, and her disappearance, involved helping arrange media coverage of Timothy McVeigh's execution, originally scheduled for May 16 2001. Chandra was in a perfect position to have access to highly classified data about McVeigh, that linked him to U.S. intelligence operations involving CIA sponsored terrorism, both here and abroad. Chandra would easily be able to obtain this information pertaining to McVeigh, and more importantly, related inside information to the impending 9-11 attacks. Information such as the 1993 WTC bombing materials having been purchased with the credit card of a US Muslim and an FBI provocateur named Melvin Lattimore. Melvin Lattimore was seen by 4 witnesses in McVeigh’s car at the OKC Travelers Aid office adjacent to the Murrah federal building just ONE DAY before the OKC bombing. Six FBI agents spent 9 months browbeating the 4 witnesses, trying to make them change their story about seeing Lattimore at the Travelers Aid. Lattimore was the roommate of the 20th 9/11 hijacker Zacarias Moussaoui while he attended the Airman flight school in Norman Oklahoma in 2000 and 2001. Lattimore was also the roomate of 9/11 hijackers Al Hazmi and Al Shehhi in Norman Oklahoma. At McVeigh's trial his sister read a letter from him to the grand jury in which he told her he was going into the Special Forces Covert Tactical Unit.
Chandra Levy herself checked off McVeigh's visitors. It was reported that she noted some twelve or more visits by Dr. Louis Jolyon West, the UCLA mind control expert for the CIA who pronounced Jack Ruby insane after he suggested a conspiracy in the JFK assassination. He also was the government psychiatrist who handled Sirhan Sirhan while he awaited trial. Jolly West was infamous for his early use of LSD on unsuspecting victims. He was the head of the CIA's mind-control program known as MKULTRA, and was a pioneer of electronic brain experimentation. Chandra's disappearance was conveniently just two weeks before McVeigh's scheduled execution. Due to the discovery of documents that had not been given to McVeigh's defense team, his execution was rescheduled and carried out on June 11, 2001. Rumors ran strong with speculation about the date of Chandra's disappearance and McVeigh's two execution dates. The information that Chandra Levy possessed would have been far more damaging to the government, and their desire to eliminate the potential loose cannon, McVeigh.

Chandra would also have easy access to information concerning members of the Bin Laden Family residing in the U.S., some of whom had national security contracts with the U.S. Government. Osama bin Laden, contrary to the lies put out by the corporate media, was not on the outs with his family, who secretly funded him. It's no coincidence that right after 9-11, the FBI arranged by plane to whisk many Bin Laden Family members out of the U.S.. Chandra had access to records detailing the clandestine business arrangements between the U.S. government and the Bin Laden Family, along with McVeigh's ties to CIA sponsored domestic and foreign terrorists, all of which would be of great interest to the Israeli government. As I've said, Gary Condit was a senior member of the House Select Committee on Intelligence, privy to closed door sessions dealing with covert operations of the spy community. Chandra was reportedly pumping Condit for hot information, in return for sexual favors. In a People Magazine interview on September 9, 2001, Condit indicated Chandra had a strong interest in the McVeigh case, terrorism, and the middle east. "She was much more interested in those things than I was", Condit recalled. The massive publicity evaporated when America was attacked September 11, 2001. Condit demanded of Levy total discretion when it came to ANYTHING concerning their relationship. That included not only private information about his perverted sexual misconduct, but also any INTELLIGENCE INFORMATION she might come across in the course of their relationship.

Anyone "connecting the dots" would have to conclude that Chandra Levy had come upon some of the most incredible intelligence secrets in history, including the plan to use huge terrorist strikes in America to justify global wars, finance the military industrial complex, and justify a police state here at home in a huge power grab. David Schippers, Chief Council for the House Judiciary Committee and head prosecutor responsible for conducting the impeachment against former President Clinton, went public revealing that in the months BEFORE the 9-11 attacks, many FBI agents had come to him informing him about the impending attacks. These agents knew the names of the hijackers, the targets of their attacks, the proposed dates, and the sources of the terrorists' funding, etc., many months in advance of the 9/11 attacks. The FBI command pulled them off of their investigations into these terrorists and threatened them with the National Security Act. They told them that if they talked about any of the information pertaining to their investigations that they would be prosecuted. So many of them sought the council of Mr. Schippers wanting to get somebody in the U.S. government to take action against these terrorists before their plan could be implemented. Mr. Schippers talked to many Congressmen and Senators, and tried to get a hold of Att. Gen. John Ashcroft, all only to get the run-around.

Chandra Levy, through her sensitive position in the Federal Bureau of Prisons, through their computers and facilities, and human intelligence contacts, and through her intimate relationship with a congressman on the intelligence commitee, unearthed a dangerous group of details related to the coming 9-11 attacks, the same information the FBI agents had brought to Schippers. She had none of the restrictions the FBI agents had, or so she thought, and apparently was about to go public with the information. The MOSSAD had tried to warn American intelligence about their knowledge of the planned 9-11 attacks, and were met with indifference. Was at least some of the information they had, been obtained from their agent, the now missing Levy? It would seem highly likely.

It would also seem that all of this would end Chandra Levy's life. Shortly after signing off of her computer at 1 pm, on May 1, 2001, she walked out of her apartment to meet someone at the Klingle Mansion, an old building now being used as a storage facility, in a remote section of Rock Creek Park, a large, forested area in Washington D.C. about two miles from Levy's apartment. A perfect spot, if you want no witnessess. At this point, she was either abducted or murdered. Her body was discovered in the woods a short distance from the Klingle Mansion. One of the last things she did on her computer on the day she disappeared was visit the MapQuest website to look up a map of Rock Creek Park, and specifically, Klingle Mansion.
On September 11, 2001, five Israelis were seen atop a white panel van in New York City. They were using a video camera. This Israeli spy team videotaped the entire terrorist incident from START to FINISH. Nearby observers who clandestinely saw them were astonished to see the five men shouting joyously and jumping up and down as the explosions ripped through the towers and each building collapsed. These nearby witnesses phoned the NYC police and the FBI. The FBI came and arrested the five, who turned out to be Israelis carrying false visa papers. The five were stripped of their clothes, incarcerated in dark jail cells, and interrogated nonstop for hours by FBI agents. The FBI interrogators believed the five were Israeli MOSSAD spy agents. Their arrest alerted the FBI to the existence of some 200 Israeli "commandos" training at a warehouse in New Jersey. They and the five arrested were "employed" by a bogus moving company owned by an Israeli. After diplomatic intervention at the highest levels of the Israeli and U.S. governments, the NYC FBI squad was ordered to cease their investigation, release the five suspects, and turn them over to the Israeli Consul. They were immediately flown to Israel. It seems highly likely that these events were the result of advance intelligence information obtained by Chandra Levy, and passed on to Israel prior to her May 1st abduction.

Chandra was also friendly with a circle of Republicans that include George W. Bush's strategy chief, Karl Rove. Of course, not a lot of people knew, or know, that Chandra Levy went to Bush's January 20th, 2001 inauguration, had a seat in the VIP section, and attended one of the balls. There also was MORE sensitive material Chandra Levy had access to. For example, that the government knowingly arranged for their business partner, Drug Kingpin Carlos Lehder, to disappear from the Federal prison system. He was allowed to disappear from the U.S., thanks to the corruption and connivance at the highest levels of the government. Coral Talavera, the wife of Lehder, in an on-the-record interview, has made it clear that Lehder is out of prison, working for the United States government, and is directly connected to the CIA, and the U.S. Treasury. This scenario was well supported by statements from a number of credible sources, including reporters, Congresswoman Maxine Waters, and Lehder's prosecutor, former U.S. Attorney Robert Merkle.

That the the F.B.I. claimed for so long that they had no idea who or what was behind the murder of Chandra Levy is just an outright lie. They know, and knew from the start, that she was being used by the MOSSAD to obtain top secret information. The lead FBI investigator in the Chandra Levy case is Special Agent Bradley J. Garrett. He is known as "The Fixer", because he is called in to find patsy's to take the blame for government murders. Notice a few details from his past: Garrett was the lead FBI investigator in the strange death of Clinton White House Deputy Counsel Vincent W. Foster. Foster's body was, like Levy's, found in a heavily wooded area near Washington D.C.. The official cause of death, touted from the outset as a suicide, was declared due to a gunshot fired into the mouth. The weapon, said to be a black 1913 Army Colt .38 Special six-shot revolver, was said to have been found in Foster's hand. It is significant, therefore, to note that x-rays of the initial autopsy of Vincent Foster's corpse are listed by Federal coroners as now being "missing", and that no one in the Foster family recalls there being a firearm of that model or appearance anywhere, ever, in their residence. Also, there was no blood found on the cuff, sleeve, or wrist of Foster, as would have been elicited naturally, from what they call "blowback", by a self-inflicted gunshot held close inside the soft-palate. The first witness to find the body insisted that there had been no gun near the body. The memory in Foster's pager had been erased. Foster's office at the White House was looted. Secret Service agent Henry O' Neill watched Hillary Clinton's chief of staff, Margaret Williams, carry boxes of papers out of Foster's office before the Police showed up to seal it. There were indications the body had been moved, and a Secret Service memo surfaced which reported that Foster's body had been found in his car! Garrett helped to completly cover up these glaring inconsistencies.
Garrett was also the lead FBI investigator in the murder of Clinton White House intern, Mary Caitrin Mahoney. You see, A U.S. Secret Service Agent assigned to checking doors at the White House, opened a door one night and found Hillary Clinton in a compromising sexual position with Ms. Mahoney, a known lesbian since her high school days. Hillary was furious and whacked him in the head with a metal ashtray. Ms. Mahoney was shot to death at a Starbucks Coffee Shop, right in the heart of Washington DC, a short time later. On July 7, 1997 Mahoney was in the Starbucks cafe cleaning up after closing time with co-workers Emory Evans and Aaron Goodrich. Sometime after 9pm, two gunmen got inside and shot all three to death. Mahoney was singled out for the most horrendous fate - as if she'd been the killers' prime target. Of the ten shots fired, she was hit five times at point blank range, including at least once in the face. The final bullet was delivered to the back of her head after she'd already fallen. In one hand, in a death grip, Mahoney clutched the keys to the store's safe, which held the weekend's receipts of more than $10,000. D.C. cops were mystified by the apparent lack of motive in the crime. The safe hadn't been opened. The cash registers were undisturbed. The store hadn't been ransacked. None of the victims' personal belongings had been touched. One wonders why a high-powered Washington FBI agent, with ties to the intelligence community, was involved in a case claimed to be a routine robbery murder case, supposedly committed by a small time criminal, one Carl Derek Cooper. After 54 hours of questioning by Garrett and another agent, Cooper signed a confession that he immediately repudiated as soon as he got to court. During his 54 hours of interrogation, Cooper had consistently denied the crime and volunteered several times to take a lie detector test. Most of the testimony against him was by agent Garrett, and based on Garrett’s representation of what Cooper had said during the interrogation. The questioning was not recorded or videotaped. Garrett had sucessfully arranged to blame the crime on a vulnerable nobody.

There was a genuinely farcical attempt to pin the Levy murder on a minor criminal, Ingmar Guandique, an illegal immigrant from El Salvador who had been known to assault joggers in the area. After he passed a lie detector test, and the complete lack of any possible similarity between his crimes and the known facts of the Levy case, they had to drop it.

Chandra Levy had expected to stay on as an intern at the Federal Bureau of Prisons until September 2001. Her internship was abrubtly and unexpectedly ended just days before her disappearance. It's likely she was caught going into unauthorized areas. She also had applied for permanent full time jobs with the FBI and the CIA, where full background checks are mandatory. It's likely her snooping at BOP, her relationship with Condit, AND her connections to the MOSSAD had turned up in her background investigation. And THAT made it imperative to get her out of the Bureau of Prisons immediately, and then off the planet. The BOP offered several conflicting versions of why Levy was let go, none of them believable. Also, her relationship with Condit had taken a sudden turn for the worse. Condit was trying to distance himself from Levy, and was becoming annoyed at her increasingly frequent and almost desperate calls. Levy, in the course of her relationship with Condit, had developed an obsession for him, but the relationship was over. Clearly, both Condit and the BOP had been tipped off, and been made aware of her ties to the MOSSAD. Chandra Levy undoubtedly felt betrayed by all concerned. She no longer had reason to hold back on all of the information she had gathered, and was almost certainly going to make it public.
Not only was Chandra Levy snuffed out to eliminate any risk of the impending 9-11 attacks, and the McVeigh information leaking out such a short time before his scheduled execution, but also to protect high ranking members of the Federal government from having their partnership with drug cartel baron Carlos Lehder, and his disappearance from the Federal Prison System, becoming widely and publicly exposed. So, the Counter-Intelligence Division of the FBI was tapping her phone, and watching her very closely.

These incredible things prove that what is presented to us in the media is almost never what it would seem to be. Through her connections to the MOSSAD, through her internship with the Federal Bureau of Prisons, and access to top security information, and through her involvement with a Congressman, a member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, and having topmost security clearance, and the circumstances in her life just prior to her abduction and murder, one could only conclude that Chandra Levy had knowledge of the Carlos Lehder affair, the Timothy McVeigh matter, and most importantly, the impending 9-11 attacks. Was she about to go public with it? It would seem beyond a shadow of a doubt. On the day before she disappeared, May 1, 2001, she left a message on the phone machine of a close family member. She said that there was something BIG, and something important to tell them about. She wouldn't say what it was, and that was the last time she was heard from.

To those who cannot believe all of this, I contend that you are not only ignoring the opinions of seasoned intelligence operatives, but also ignoring the indisputable truth that all of this is exactly how covert intelligence operations are, and have been conducted, for many years.
So exactly who killed Chandra Levy? Gary Condit, while obviously leaving much to be desired in his personal life, was probably little more than a dupe in all of this. He made the perfect villian, and the perfect fall guy. His sick private life gave him all the reason in the world to act suspicious in the glaring light of media attention. Al Martin, one of America's foremost government whistleblowers, and a retired Navy Lt. Commander, claims there were a mystery set of fingerprints found at the Chandra Levy murder scene. The fingerprints belong to a shadowy figure named Alejandro Martinez, a longtime CIA employee, and former CIA drug pilot during the Iran Contra operation. Martinez had ties to Oliver North. He's disappeared, and nobody knows where he's gone. When he went to buy some false identity papers, apparently because he needed to get out of the United States in a hurry, the match came up. There was obviously another dimension to this story, and you will never hear about it in the mainstream media. The facts point to only one conclusion. That Chandra Levy was the victim of a government hit, and Condit was used as a decoy patsy for a murder network that extends to the very heights of U.S. power.

Chandra Levy was used by everyone involved. She was doing her job, and the hottest intelligence secret of all time fell right into her hands. She was young, naive, and still believed that it was wrong to use mass terrorism as a psychological tool for political purposes. Unfortunately, for this, she paid the ultimate price. To say that the disappearance and death of Chandra Levy was more than the result of a sexual relationship gone bad, is a gross understatement, to say the least. Had she not vanished, it now seems likely that, not only the planned 9-11 attacks could have been stopped, but also that the resultant wars, and world wide chaos that we are now witnessing, would never have happened.

As with Waco, the OKC bombing, and of course 9-11, the establishment put their spin on the Levy story, and nothing more is said. The truth about Chandra Levy will never be told by the mainstream media. Condit lost his bid for re-election, the global wars are raging, with more being planned, and Chandra Levy is just a faded memory. Another lie told, another lie accepted. Mission accomplished. Let's move on. Do not make the mistake of thinking that September 11, 2001 happened the way they brainwashed you to think it did. And try to understand the true nature of the people who control this global government. Illusion is the name of their game, and they're quite skilled at it. They should be. It's a game they've been playing for such a long time."

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

.. a big American dream. i don't understand the whole emotionally loaded story. i would comment it by an observation that Chandra L. had very special hair in comparison to bold "Jews" and several fast-going-gray and bold, though much taller and equally bony-thin Dutch i meet on streets.
.. life is very simple and a real muslim and a real "Jew" admit there is a reality, which a person cannot comprehend and reach contrary to being offered at least to attempt it.
.. those "Jews" laughing down at the rubble make me think of Woody Allen, whilst his talent for irony is outstanding. did you see his last masterpiece Matchpoint? super!! i analysed it together with my teacher of Dutch language and she and her girlfriend didn't see half of the things i have remarked and exposed as distinctive. the film is about a MURDER. worth to have a look.
.. social anthropology and psychology argue as to be very normal that insufficient social opportunties may stimulate an individual to would develope a talent to a non-average extent. Maryah Carrey was a hairdresser, Aristoteles Onassis started his fortune collecting empty bottles, think of all the rap culture with a pioneer Eminem aka Marshall "XY" and others, Bob Marley for instance and Great Gandhi! Marley was shot dead, Gandhi was shot dead, Norma Jean was "found" dead, Martun L. King, John Lennon, Leo Trotsky, Cleopatra .. a suicide has been since ever a sign of a revolt among high classes! so many people were killed just to have been faithful to what fitted to their personal experience.
.. puritanism destroys, but coverts make true heros to will live for ever being remembered and pronounced to be blessed and saints.
.. Chines "wish you to have interesting times", because old wisdom tells that peace is to be respected, nourished, yet is so rarely favoured by the bored and decadent society.
.. it is just a matter if one conceptualizes DEATH as onthologically to differ from BIRTH or MARRIAGE. in my opinion and in every religion TO BE SICK is something that they are concerned with. to become healthy costs a person and society a complete investment and engagement. it is not a shame to confess truth, it is bad to lie and cheat and abuse people or animals without their consent or to deprive from fulfilling needs and attempts to make a better life, thus to be content and happy as well, especially when deserved by being fair and working hard.
.. it is very bad to kidnapp native people in regions where wars are initiated also for purposes to take (CUT) healthy organs from the victims and sell these to those who can sell the organs or blood even better. this is really bad and it happenes in Palestine (stated), Indonesia, China, probably also in Iraq, where the nasty face of abductions hasn't been publicly revealed due to some very outspoken western and by help of video releases internationalized victims, who have managed to paint over the whole truth of the abduction practise by politically motivated cover stories and accusations applying diverse definitions, which help to drive the whole society into further not-controlable madness that assumingly demands for more military interventions.
.. but, a state's planning was what Chandra was busy with to reveal? she was really very naive, yes. very young!!! why didn't she inform mr. Putin or Chirac or ?. she was a faithfull American probably and imagined that she was a superwoman, but couldn't decide who would she save first of all and by an accident forgot to care for her own sake. to inform relatives about something BIG? there is a difference between to think, to sense, to percept, to conclude, to imagine. to be driven by hormons is the most dangerous war of all. it may easily cost lifes of more people connected by a chain reaction. people do make sex to would get rid of plus-sufficient energy. did these people have had a too wealthy life and a lot of spare time not needing to worry what they shall eat and where to sleep the next day?
.. i find the story of Chandra L. completely irrelevant to wold explain any reason and consequence and profits of wars in Iraq or Lebanon.
.. what shall the person who sent the post do? take a revange for the sake of the memory of Chandra L. and deny all mistakes she had commited before disappeared. were all her organs in place? good, at least her body remained to be spared of a disgrace she wouldn't approve herself and sacred.
.. why Bush's governement didn't approve more money for the gen research? or, he has become vegetarian, or it has been calculated to will make no sense and efficiency for the future of th USA society. all planned! i would suggest people to redirect their mind energy to a more general "truth" that contains more evident practical consequences then "satanistic sexual" practise. wtf is that?

9:58 PM  
Blogger yves said...


i just watched a french/quebecois moive set in lebanon about a man who lost his mother at birth, and now his father. the story is about him bringing his father back to his home land for a burial...that turns out harder than expected.

anyway, needless to say, i thought about you, your words and your country through the whole thing. there were lots of beach scenes..which made me try to see them oil stained...

incase you ever get the chance...take a look:

Littoral, by Brigitte Germain

take care

3:16 AM  
Blogger yves said...

and its now september - give us a blog!

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

3:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is not the individual Zena, she represents an entire country that's injured, bleeding and licking its wounds.

Zena: I'm glad you made it out of all this paranoia. As I told you months ago, please keep strong.

To people of Lebanon:
You will have to build your country, all over again. I wonder whether the USA voters would ever vote for the same president if they had to rebuild their homes and life once every ten years... I strongly doubt it, but am not totally sure!!!!!!!!!

To all out there. It's global insanity that a new war breaks out every now and there occasionally. War is not a kid's toy, although it seems to be treated as such, in the present medieval days.

Only to hope I the individual can.. but my mind is with all you. I did not forget you, never.

Zena, please continue to be with us. Both as a habitat of this troubled region and as a person of art.

Especially about art. Use it! This is a more powerful weapon than any riffle or missile.


2:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"No God But ALLAH"

9:22 PM  
Blogger Patricia Sasser said...

I was trying to track down my old friend Nidal from when i lived in Nigeria and I came across your blog. I was very moved and I only wish that I could do something...but if wishing and wanting to is not enough. Take care of yourself. Peace be with you and your loved ones.


7:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, dear .... Hope you are fine ... for all worse things and atmosphere around you....
Like to take you in my arms and try to give "force/strenght" to you ... So much I would like to tell with you vis-á-vis ...
Most best wishes to you, your husband and all you those like/love....
yours ... this German female ...

3:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to PEACE ....
Peace has said: "No GOD but Allah" ... Okey, that may be right for you ... and is accepted, if you are tolerant and wise enough like all thru human beings ....
Otherwise you should know ... how ever you call IT/HIM/(HER?) ... it´s always the "same base"/"godness" ...
And it is a shame, when intolearant/"fundamental" persons/institutions use different names for give hate between their sisters and brothers ...
It is a shame for mankind, societies ...
with dear greetings and best wishes to you ... that German female

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no god, but Allah!

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I'm am so happy that you've survived this attack in one piece. You have a strong and beautiful spirit that knows how to be positive and how to love despite everything. Zena, you are so beautiful, I am so happy that there are people like you who can discern the difference between right and wrong, who can identify injustice, and not react with hate, but instead with loving compassiion.

I admire your strength. I wish only the best for you and yours and your country. I pray that things get better quickly. Stay strong, sister. I call you that because in the eyes of God, you are my sister, my fellow-human-being, whom I love for that reason. We are all children of God.

May God bless you, and take care of you in this time of need, physically and emotionally.

May there be peace and justice for all people. Keep on practicing love and compassion, and pray that it spreads.

With all my love,

8:33 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"we are all children of god" how do you know this ?

this blog is artistic, beutiful no need religious comments

11:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

anon*, it is true, yes, that not every person lets to get crucified by a purpose.

the majority fake and even falsificate as to would be sufferers just like MadOnna. all those who haven't realized that this is a post-modern stigmatized as an era of syncretism prevailed suffer due to their own ignorance. is MadOnna a Virgin?

and there are those pushed into a perpetuum of sacrifictions just like peope of Iraq and only few have remained who seek to underline what the two wars have in common.

while those faking keep yet on laughing about them selves to have been lucky.

an artistic blog? there is art, and nothing artistic about some writing. it is a failed attempt of free-lanced journalism.

where has the Iraqi blogger remained. the Baghdad Burning!!!! that is a blog and an attempt of literal truth art. to have survived in those circustancies! if.?

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Be the change you want to see in the world."
Mohandas Gandhi

Come join discussion. Learn about others, brainstorm idea's to promote peace in the Middle East.

11:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, Where are you? It is now October 1. I hope and pray that you are ok and some semblance of peace has entered your life.

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

....there is nothing I can really say. You are just .. I cant even find the words to say. You are corresct, we have the power to change things, the power to make a difference. although we do not. We are all humans and even though we come from differnt places and speak in differnet tounges, our hearts still beat as one. I just want you to know i appreciate your blog and I hope others read this and believe the same.

-maka monture-age12

9:20 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am speechless. Reading this makes me feeling helpless. I know from war just via the stories of my grandparents (I am Austrian) an how they managed to survive and lived an OK live anyway – strong company and a vision. They never gave up.
I wish you nothing more than peace and keep telling the people out there what's going on in Lebanon. Otherwise we wouldn't really know how close your mindset seem to be related to ours…

11:11 AM  
Blogger What is "Occupation" said...

war sucks, so dont start one...

dont like israel? fine...

return our soldiers

if you dont?

expect the worse

4:49 PM  

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