Saturday, July 29, 2006

while i was building dreams, they were preparing my destruction

the latest in my inbox today... i have now heard from more than one source that these attacked have been planned all along.

"Of all of Israel's wars since 1948, this was the one for which Israel
was most prepared," Gerald Steinberg, a political science professor at
Israel's Bar-Ilan University, told the San Francisco Chronicle
(7/21/05). "By 2004, the military campaign scheduled to last about
three weeks that we're seeing now had already been blocked out and, in
the last year or two, it's been simulated and rehearsed across the
board." The Chronicle reported that a "senior Israeli army officer"
has been giving PowerPoint presentations for more than a year to "U.S.
and other diplomats, journalists and think tanks" outlining the coming
war with Lebanon, explaining that a combination of air and ground
forces would target Hezbollah and "transportation and communication

can someone tell me why i wasn't notified? they tell the press, but they don't tell me? boy do i feel stupid.

today i feel so stupid.

for the last six years, i have been making plans. i have been building dreams. i got married. i bought a home. i painted. i exhibited. i made plans with people... for them to come here. i invested time, emotions, money, ideas, love... into lebanon.

for the last six years, i have been building bridges. from beirut to new york. from beirut to everywhere.

for the last six years, i have made new friends. i have met with people. i have made contacts. i have made committments.

for the last six years, i promised people things. at work, at home, with friends...

for the last six years, i have been encouraging others to paint, sculpt, draw, film, photographs, make, stick, sew, create... i promised them that their work would get somewhere... that is was so important to make work... that lebanon was embracing the arts.. and we just had to direct it.

for the last six years, i promised my parents a family. i promised them grandchildren.

for the last six years, i promised my best friends a beirut that our kids would love. a beirut that would be healthy for ourselves and our friends. a beirut that would be unlike any other city in the world.

i just wish i got to see the power point presentation.. then i wouldn't have wasted my time on so much hope. while i was building dreams... they were preparing my destruction. why???????????

yes, dear reader, i am becoming angry and cynical. this is what happens when you stop sleeping. this is what happens when you stop eating. this is what happens when your dreams are shattered. this is what happens when your country is violated.

but, i will not hate. i will never hate. i am just really really disappointed by these people who feel they have the right to govern my life.

only thing left to do now is to resist. resist with love. my most powerful weapon that no one can touch.

i still love. i will always love. i love beirut.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please read this- it may give you hope that all this will somehow end:

You are so strong and my heart goes out to you and all the people in Lebanon. Many of us here in the UK are doing whatever we can to bring our government to its senses, writing letters, demonstrating - this cannot be allowed to go on.

Sarah, UK

12:45 PM  
Blogger Maddy said...


I hope and pray that what you have heard is utter rubbish, because if it the truth I will lose my faith in all that I have believed in.

Let's pray that it is not so.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Zena.
Your blog is peaceful and honest. Have you seen what's happening on other blogs? (Beirutlive) Remember that this terrible time is NOT your life. Your bridges are not burned. You will still do your pink art. Try to change your fear into courage. Courage is fear with faith. Keep on going. We are in this togehter. PEACE.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Fayrouz said...

It takes courage to scream!
you have it
screaming sharpens your pain
let some of it out
It is allright to scream


8:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"We are in this together"

No. Not really. The Lebanese should open their eyes and take a look around them. They are in this alone. It looks as if the entire world, except for a few bloggers, has forsaked them. Lebanon is being systematically destroyed and the world has turned its face away so that US and Israel can do whatever they want with Lebanon. Lebanese should atleast hold onto their dignity by not pleading the US to arrange a ceasefire (with the US shooing away the begging Lebanon with an emphatic NO).

Countries all around the world should watch what's happening and ask themselves,"What is the guarantee that this won't happen to me tomorrow?"

But, make no mistake, Lebanon is alone in its misery....whatever support that you are getting is superficial.

8:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.S. I hope that the experience will make you strong.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena , Your attitude is incredible . i am so impressed . today , finally after all these weeksa the dallas paper had a whole list of lebanese blogs . It was so cool to know finally even here in this crazy bastion of convervatism and religious intolerance that these blogs were even printed, I have ben forwarding things like crazy hoping to get people top listen to the pain.We are not all pro bush alot over 50 percent is anti everything he says and does. YOU KNOW SINCE I AM SO FAR GEOGRAPHICALLY REMOVED , I CAN SEE THAT THIS HORROR WONT AND CANT LAST , PEOPLE ALL OVER THE PLANET ARE DEMANDING A STOP .YOU WILL HAVE BEATIFUL BEIRUT AGAIN IT WILL BE A WONDERFUL PLACE TOI RAISE YOUR GFAMILY . IT WONT BECOME ANOTHER IRAQ! HOW DO I KNOW , WELL I DONT . FREEDOM FOR TERRORIST WHOEVER THEY ARE, ITS A MUST FOR ALL CIVILAZATION AND FREEDOM FROM ALL RELIGIOUS AFFILATIONS AND FREEDOM OF WOMEN TO HAVE EQUALITY WITH MEN.

9:18 PM  
Blogger yougogirl said...

you write very well. thanks for sharing your thoughts. i have you on bookmark.

9:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, you wrote:

"only thing left to do now is to resist. resist with love. my most powerful weapon that no one can touch."

THAT'S the real power hate never can conqer! I'm your companion with my heart, my soul and in my mind! I can't stop the bullets, no one of us can, but we all can give our love, our toughts and with the power of our minds we can bild a wall of love.

Thinking of you and the loved ones that surround you.


9:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this isn't about you.. this isn't about israel.. this isn't about lebanon.. this is about what hezbollah has done to you.. your country... your people..

9:31 PM  
Blogger Jana said...

Dear Zena,
in a german newspaper I read about your blog. I was interested so I visited your site. And I feel angry like you about this war.
Don`t loose your weapon, don`t loose Love and hope. There is always hope.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've felt a weight on my shoulders ever since this war has started. It's easy for me to remove myself from the situation, because I am so far away. I understand the human toll this war is taking, and it hurts me to my core. The worst thing about it is the sinking feeling that this is only the beginning to much more fighting and wars to come. Despite what anyone else says, I can tell you that I genuinely empathize with you, and everyone else in your situation. I can't tell you how many tears I've shed. Take care

10:35 PM  
Blogger Ofer said...

I am an Israeli man, about your age. I think that you and I have a lot in common. But I can also tell you that there's one thing that we don't have in common. This is something that is unique to Israelis, and that you could never understand. A leader of a big and strong country (Iran) openly and repeatedly says that he wants to "erase me from the map". At least three rather large and powerful organizations (Hamas, Hizballah, Al Qaeda) have vowed to kick me out of my country through the use of Jihad. Over the past 50 years, my country has been attacked by the armies of 6 different Arab countries (usually simultaneously). This is what gets in the way of my dreams.

Hizballah is one of the most immediate threats, because they are right on my boarder. So of course the IDF has planned a war with them. That's what an army does, it prepares for the things that are likely to happen. In the IDF vault there are plans for attacking Syria, for bombing Iran's nuclear facilities, for attacking Iraq. Every army plans ahead, and its legitimate. The French army probably has ready plans for a war with Belguim, that doesn't mean that they are going to materialize. The fact that the IDF has been preparing for this war does not change the fact that it began because of Hizballah's adventurism.

Israel would never have attacked had Lebanon not provoked.

Ofer (

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Belive, dream and never stop. God bless you Zena and your familly. Be strong. I read and i cry. I wish from all my heart the best for Lebanon. Salam ya Asal.

12:08 AM  
Blogger dancer said...

I'm so horrified by your latest post. Thank you for putting that information up there. Thank you for keeping this blog. My heart goes out to you and everyone in Lebanon right now. I wake up every morning praying that people have come to their senses, and every morning discover that that hasn't happened yet. I can't believe I live in a country that supports this war. Please believe me when I say that not all Americans and not all Jewish people support it.

Brooklyn NY

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Not the misleaded people make or want the war(s) but the dark forces, the evildoers who are on the helm in the most of the world powers! Ordinairy people are nothing more then goats who been slaughtered on the war-anvill.


2:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zena, I urge you to read this website, especially if you don't know it already. There are pictures of peace demonstrations in Israel, all over the place, thousands and thousands of people turning out to protest Israel's actions..

It's here:

I hope it gives you some hope.

Thinking of you always.


2:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hello Zena,
I 'listen in' regularly, many other people here in Greece also.
In an earlier post you were wondering if there is a point in your blogging, or if it is just feeding stupid media sensationalism.
Let me tell you how your blog is valuable to me. Everytime someone starts talking nonsense about how Israel is a truly modern 'European' state [that's what they call it, I am not making this up] that has the bad luck to be surrounded by backward aggressive neighbors, every time I hear such drivel I point to your blog, and other wonderful blogs from Libanon also, and I say, READ, these are the people Israel is attacking.
I weep for Libanon, for the people and their sorrows, also because it seems to me that it is the last resort of the cosmopolitan, mutliethnic, but so uniquelly middle-eastern culture that many early 20th century Greek writers have talked about. I believe that your strong spirit will survive all this barbarism

2:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

> ofer: Israel would never have attacked
> had Lebanon not provoked.

This is questionable ...

taken from this 96' paper:

Securing the Northern Border

Syria challenges Israel on Lebanese soil. An effective approach, and one with which American can sympathize, would be if Israel seized the strategic initiative along its northern borders by engaging Hizballah, Syria, and Iran, as the principal agents of aggression in
Lebanon ...

2:45 AM  
Blogger Fayrouz said...

To the previous anounymous I join the chorus and shout
"To get out of this mud
There is only one way:
To get an agreement and
G E T O U T!"

Salam to all

4:17 AM  
Blogger la kara said...

making plans seeing a future...
all those things that other folks get to do with their lives. as always i'm humbled by your blog.

i too love beirut and miss her dearly.
from tj con amor.

5:51 AM  
Blogger la kara said...

making plans seeing a future...
all those things that other folks get to do with their lives. as always i'm humbled by your blog.

i too love beirut and miss her dearly.
from tj con amor.

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Zena, I've been reading you for some time now, and i just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I just wish we could do something to try and stop all this or at least make things a little better for all of us. Although i am confident that things will get better, and that we shall be able to rebuild all that has been destroyed including our own sanity, and psychological health...

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Zena,
thanks for writing all this.
you've got all my love too,
say hi to Wael!

12:35 PM  
Blogger the perpetual refugee said...

Zena, we all love Beirut. We can never get it out of our blood. Which is why, even with this bloodshed. This genocide. This wanton destruction of our beloved land, we will continue loving Beirut. We will continue investing in Beirut, as we always have. And Beirut will rise. And it will always be at the top. In it's rightful place. They can never take that away from us.

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Zena,
reading your blog has touched me deeply. I wanted to ask for your permission to something, I wrote you an e-mail to the ziggydoodle e-mail address, I hope you´ll get it.

Yours sincerely, Kati (Finland)

2:49 PM  
Blogger MERKOVA said...

Your dreams was destroyed by the hezbollah not by the Israelis.

3:00 PM  
Blogger Topo said...

Zena, My prayer with you and the whole Lebanese. I must say that you are a kind person, but let me tell you one thing, you won't be survived only by loving. You need at least a little bit of hate, I mean hate those beast called Israel zionist that shatterred your dream. Hate will give you a power to defy whoever want to rob your rights. Otherwise, you and your fellow Lebanese people in particular and Arab nation in general will always be living under zionist oppression forever.

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


My prayers are with you and the people of Lebanon and Isreal. War is a terrible thing for all involved. I'm glad you have stated your only weapon is love, because it is the greatest LOVE, the love of God, that will someday end all wars and violence. Not the hate of the many organizations that seek to destroy. May peace come to Lebanon and Isreal. May the hate groups that seek to destroy be destroyed themselves.
May Lebanon rid themselves of groups like Hezbollah so that the people of Lebanon may live in peace and their dreams may continue.

4:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nicely done your insights and feeling are appreciate by those of us who continue to work and pray for all the world the wars the climate the hunger we all must unite some time to much lobbying the people that feel like you are everywhere just not organized or restricted by their governments i wish you a very safe life soon

5:58 PM  
Blogger nazzal said...

lucky you Zena

"but, i will not hate. i will never hate"

how can i feel the same . so so hard :(

8:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Zena,
I read about you in an important German weekly. I'm impressed with your strength and your conviction to stand up against war and hate with LOVE. Don't believe the words and insinuations of a professional hater such as "topo". This is not the way thto follow if you want to regain the conditions that will enable you to live peacefully in your beloved country.
I can't help recommending you to seriously think about "ofer's" words. I don't accept Israel's overreaction, but I can understand that the Isrealis must resist all those who openly strive to wipe their country from the map.
If Hisballah prevails after this hell, fighting will never stop - and Isreal will continue to defend herself.
This is bad news for you and Lebanon, I know. The only solution consists in your choice: love.
I wish you and your family God's blessing.

12:48 PM  
Blogger DiLLi O MiLLi said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:03 PM  
Blogger DiLLi O MiLLi said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:11 PM  
Blogger DiLLi O MiLLi said...

I am Kuwaiti citizen one of the many Kuwaitis who loves and conceder Lebanon their second country, we are shocked, devastated, sad, angry…and we did not have a good night sleep since July 13, 2006.
My parents are one of the few Kuwaiti families who had a house in Behamdoun before the Lebanese Civil War 1975. When we where small we use to spend our summer holidays (3 months) in Behamboun and it was the best years of my life. And when the war ended in 1990 (thanks to God) I visited Lebanon several times and this year I was on the airplane heading to Beirut on July 13 when they told us that the flight is canceled because Beirut Airport has been bombed by an Israeli fighters!
I wanted to express my deepest condolences to the death of women and children who had been killed in Gana Massacre (2) and to all of your loses since this vicious attack on Lebanon, our hearts is with their families and friends.

I read your Post and I wanted to comment…

NO Zena, you’re NOT STUPID!!People who triggered this conflict are the STUPID ones
اللي صار كان" قدر ومكتوب" والأنسان المؤمن يقول "قل لن يصيبنا ألا ما كتبه الله لنا

Go ahead with your plans, go on building your dreams every one deserves to have a dream, your married? Congratulation, you bought a house? Mabrouk and as we say in Kuwait منزل مبارك , you paint?! I did not know that you’re an artist! Well not exactly cuz I heard you talking to CNN on Sunday July 30, 2006 I would love to see your paintings next summer when I visit Lebanon (Inshaa’a Allah) and that’s a promise. (I passed your Blog several times since the begging of these savage attacks, and I was happy hearing you on CNN).

You made plans with people? Well, I hope you can find me place in your schedule? :)

You invested time, emotions, money, ideas, love…into Lebanon? Well Zena all that is not wasted because you owe it to your country and I know Lebanon will not disappoint you, just wait and see.

Keep on building bridges…I hope one of your bridges is Beirut / Kuwait :)

It’s nice to have new friends because friends are the ones who stand by us in our crises and can ease our pains.
Keep your promises and your commitments …the crises will end soon.

Zena, children are a gift from God and they are the candles that brights our lives…believe me, I have a son and I know the feeling, if you see how my parents are spoiling him, they don’t have No in their dictionary when it comes to him! I can see the happiness in there eyes when he’s around, let your parents experience that happiness by seeing their grandchildren, and as we say in Arabic ما أعز من الولد ألا ولد الولد
Its true Beirut is unlike any other city in the world and still it is in spite of what it’s going through these days.

You should be angry…and I know you can’t sleep or eat, and that your dreams are shattered because I went through all of that when Kuwait was invaded (violated) in August 2, 1990 by Iraq! But I always say that in the end of this dark tunnel there must be a light,and fortunately we saw that light after 7 months :) This Crisis made Kuwaitis stronger and more devoted to their country, 5 years after the invasion Kuwait economy was the highest in its region!
Knowing the Lebanese I will say that Lebanon will get on its feet soon.

And Zena,I will join you and say: I LOVE BEIRUT

P.S. Forgot to tell you I was born in Beirut…my name is pure Lebanese => RULA :)

5:39 PM  
Blogger Domiknow said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Domiknow said...

Zena, I just want to let you know how much your blog moves me, especially this posting- I was in tears when I finished reading it outloud to my mother. I can sympathize with some of what you are going through since I was just in Lebanon myself until about ten days into the war. I was one of the "lucky ones" who got to escape although I honestly did not want to leave everyone and everything behind- I was also "building my dreams".

I hope you don't mind that I have selected some things from your blog to post in mine. It is good to keep having a firsthand perspective on things. I encourage you to keep blogging and let us hear what your heart has to say. I also applaude you for taking a loving approach to all of this chaos- too many people succumb to their senses of hatred which brings them back to square one. Again, my thoughts are with you and all those in our beloved Lubnan!

9:17 AM  
Blogger DangerousDerrida said...

2:26 AM  
Blogger DangerousDerrida said...

2:26 AM  

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